i’m supposed to be working on my book today. for those of you who are frequent flyers here at accidental happiness airlines, you may recall that i am writing a book of memoirs. no? oh, well i did tell you, so you must have missed that blog. this was the weekend i intended to finish up the final editing; but life’s little lessons get in the way, and i see i must face some of my demons before i share them with the world.
Demon #1: Shyorcifel (also known as fear of intimacy)
i’ve been getting in touch with friends from my past, and i see that the vast majority of folk my age have spouses and children and homes. i began to scold myself today for not having a lover, and what is wrong with me, and all of that kind of thing. but i realized pretty quickly that the reason i am still single is that i never let anyone get close, and i never let men (or most of my friends for that matter) see the real me. it’s scary to think that you would hope in someone to love you on your worst day, with a big juicy zit on your nose, and no makeup on, walking around in yoga pants with holes in the ass, and then your supposed to trust that this person loves you when they’ve been around you at these times? when you’ve done something sinister or selfish? when you’ve told about your horrid past and how messed up you are? see, it’s easier to just never get to that level.
and that’s why i’m still single. so i have to wrestle with the intimacy demon and work out the kinks in my emotional vulnerability quotas.
Demon #2: Keeperoscipase (also known as Obssessive Hoarding)
ok, i’m not actually a hoarder. i lovingly refer to it as ‘being a Picker’. i collect. and while i love my books and papers and ephemera, my toys and clothes and crafts, i’m not going to be auditioning for “Hoarders” anytime soon. but – having watched my first episode today – i can see that i am made of the same fabric as these others. we are people who are afraid.
afraid of losing someone. afraid of letting go of the past. afraid of living in the now, and the uncertainties of life. afraid of forgetting something, or not having what we need, or throwing away something important or of value.
afraid of letting people in. afraid of looking deep inside. afraid of admitting we’ve been hurt, killed, beaten, worn down, abused, neglected and abandoned. afraid of being seen for what we are: weak, vulnerable, and hurting.
but hey! look at that. the entire human race is in this category. and while i might wash my hands too many times after tucking away another thirty copies of fiction titles i’ll never read, you might be socking down your thirteenth bottle of Labatts, or losing the use of your right arm due to a slip up with a bookie.
we’re all of us broken, wounded, beautiful creatures. and the fascinating part of life is watching each of us uncover the treasure beneath all the outer layerings of crap.
I try to go walking in the morning several times a week. If I can, I’ll go every day for a short walk before work, and on the weekends I’ll go for longer, more leisurely walks. My body gets horrible pissed at me if I don’t get enough Yoga in, though, so sometimes I have to choose the one over the other, so that my old football injuries don’t bother me as much.
Today was a perfect day for a quick walk.
On the up side, it was perfect weather, warm, with the sun shining full on my face. And not too hot yet, with just the right amount of air circulating, so I come home sweaty, but not looking for my asthma inhaler.
On the down side, a creepy guy smiled at me on his bike as he crossed the street. I’m not into men with hairy faces. Scratch that. I’m totally into men with SCRUFFY faces, I’m just not into men with beards. Scratch that. I’m totally into men with Van Dykes and goatees, I’m just … okay fine, I’m not into THAT man.
On the up side, I got to hug my favorite tree, whom I’ve named Poncho. He’s just a little guy, and I’ve been visiting him since he was first planted there. I used to worry about him when he was a pup, and the wind got too strong. No need, because now his hair is all sprouted up, and he’s tall and proud, with cute little eyeballs that make him look like a character from the fabulous movie “Nine”. I’ll have to upload a picture. Poncho is adorable.
On the down side, my neighbors peonies, and the ones in the park were sad, heavy and browning today. Such beautiful flowers are hard to imagine going bad, turning old, fading or withering.
On the up side, I DID get to walk through the park right after it had been freshly mown. One of my favorite smells is cut grass, so yum…it was perfectly delicious today.
On the down side, I usually get to smell two other favorite smells – coffee and toast – as I’m on my walk, and today there were neither. The mixture of those two smells is so completely average and daily, yet something about them is the perfect combination, and the aroma makes me think of home, love, and travel. Maybe it’s like in the Harry Potter movie, where Hermione is talking about what makes the perfect love potion, and for her it is books and toothpaste. Maybe mine would be coffee, toast, rain, grass, and the smell of Old Spice. I mean, a bajillion women can’t be wrong… (please tell me you’ve seen the hilarious commercial)
On another up side, I got to see a Robin walk right in front of me, carrying off a fat little worm, who was stupid enough to forget to wear his roller skates to scurry away on. I’ve never seen a Robin so close to me, let alone one making off with a breakfast burrito for the little chicklets.
On the down side, right at this same time, and old made up lady, who looked like a coifed caricature from Spirited Away walked by in a strange bouncy walk, wafting of an atrociously unappealing perfume.
On one more up side, my stone lions were upright again today. I pet two stone lions as I walk by a professional building just past the park. The one likes his chin rubbed, and the other likes a good back scratch. One weekend some kid came by and knocked them over, and when I saw them on Monday I could have cried. I rushed to the door and knocked, and talked to a woman who works there, offering to help if I could. She said they were impossibly heavy, and I don’t know how they got them up again, but I’m glad they did. I would have looked really stupid sitting on their grass lawn to give a belly rub to the two lions. But I would have if I had to.
On the down side, a random paper plate littered my neighbor’s yard, making me think that some random person had just had a meal as they passed by and tossed the remains in some strangers yard. It’s happened before.
All in all, a good morning’s walk. I see once again, that the light and dark, the good and “bad” will once again do their work throughout the day, trying to balance out the energies of the world, and keep everything in balance. Hopefully I will navigate the teeter totter of life well today, and face the ups and downs with equal amounts of acceptance, understanding and optimism.