i haven’t gotten much done today. today i was supposed to work on editing a chapter or two of my book, and pretty much the only thing i’ve accomplished so far today is taking a shower. oh, and playing on facebook.
i’m part of a DID group on facebook, and it’s supportive, interesting, and also … weird.
today i was reading posts from people struggling with their condition, and some of them had altars (other personalities) writing, and talking in this weird child talk. spelling all wonky, words and phrases making no sense, and i’m thinking “Jesus, you people are crazy”. but as i read along in the thread, i had to sort of wake myself up. because this is me. they are talking about the things i go through and struggle with, and despite the fact that it does – in fact – sound completely crazy, it happens to also be reality. it sounds so bizarre that people have little four year olds in their bodies, which always reminds me of the commercial for weight loss when i was a kid: “inside every fat person there’s a skinny person dying to get out”. creepy.
but it’s real. i have a little one in there that will only growl at people, and someone who can’t stand up well and would rather just continually collapse to the floor, and certainly several that shouldn’t be operating machinery at work, let alone drive a car. and Christ, then there’s trying to go to sleep at night…
“good night John Boy” “good night Tiger” “good night Scritchy”
“good night Nellie” “good night Rocky” “Jesus, would you people go to bed already?”
having MPD can be interesting, and today was no exception. but today i actually had fun trying to balance out all the alters. i was getting ready for work, because i haven’t won the Lotto yet, and something made me little. something i read beforehand, or something i remembered, or something i talked to Bodhi about made me nervous and twitchy, and then it happened. i was in the kitchen making myself a sandwich, and all of a sudden i didn’t know what to do. i got lost.
luckily my sister was right there to help me out. thank the gods for her! she noticed i was little and said it was all right and offered to help me. so i had her cut something for my food (shiny, sharp objects are frequently bad for me to handle) and she helped me get it all set. it was suddenly like a little cooking project for kids – “children, be sure you ask an adult to help you make the turkey sandwich”. but the cool thing was that i was able to CHANGE.
i’d been walking around all morning with leg problems. sometimes my legs go dead, and they don’t have much feeling to them. they become like phantoms hanging on my body, dragging me through a field of wet mud. and all morning i’d had this trouble walking. and then i got all little and squirrely, and when i remembered i was going to have to drive to work, i got worried. we were discussing whether or not she should drive me, because sometimes when i’m little i forget things. and sometimes when i’m little – and driving – forgetting things can be dangerous.
i forget i have to stay in my own lane.
i forget where i’m going.
i forget to watch for other cars or people.
i forget to keep to a certain speed.
i forget the way to somewhere i’ve been a million times, like the doctor’s office,
or my house.
anyway, suddenly i got nervous, because i’m going to have to go to work, and i can’t be this little person at work! so i decided to watch something on tv that one of my big people would like, and hope that they would come out and take over. and that’s just what happened! i put on my favorite show, Top Chef, and right away an older alter popped out and started commenting on things in the show. and then Bodhi and i had an interesting discussion about one of the contestants and the curiosities of life, and i had only just been a little!
so today, i’m feeling pretty good about the system. today it worked out. i went to work, and handled everything fine, and did better performing my new job tasks this week than in months. so i’m very glad to have a sort of success story week, because it’s been a strange, trying, difficult road learning how to manage this stuff. and today made me feel like i could do it. and even writing this out, i can see that i’m still kind of little, that i’m talking different and writing different than other times. but i guess that’s ok, ‘cause that’s just the who’s i am.
So, just as the dust is barely settling around my almost desk, since I’ve JUST moved into a new area of the department, lo and behold, the powers that be might just move me completely out of the department all together. Now, it could be someone else. Not exactly cut-backs…several people in the division I work in will be “relocating” to other areas of the system. At least one – if not two – from my section. Because I am low man on the totem pole, I assume this will be me. And, while I am duly frustrated at the idea of moving yet again, for what might be fifth time in about a year and ½, I am hopeful that if I do move I will go to an area where I already have friends, and I have already worked there before.
But seriously, give a girl a rest! It feels like every day I come to work I have to check to make sure I still have a mailbox and can still get into the building! Oy! Keep me or Can me already!