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accidental happiness, stardate: today

today i found this somewhere on facebook.  click the picture to access the link

it’s going to be a better week

the devil inside

we all have a little of the dark in us i guess.  last night while i was lying on my heated massage table, my next door neighbor was outside in his car, playing ‘tunes’.  he does this all the time.  perhaps he’s gotten into a fight with his wife, so he goes into the car and blares his music.  maybe he’s in there getting high, as he frequently does.  maybe he’s just trying to pop the eardrums of unsuspecting locals.  the boom boom of his choice of music echoes through his vehicle loudly enough that it shakes the windows of my house.

it’s kind of hard to be in a peaceful, restful state when it sounds like a sledge hammer is taking down your walls.

at about this point last night the dark in me rose up.  i lay on the massage table imagining ways that i could kill my neighbor; electrical shock from his own stereo would be the most poetic, but probably not an easy task to arrange.  if i were a vampire i could drink him dry, but i don’t think i’d want to get that close to him, he’s been kind of sour lately.

at first this kind of thinking made me feel uncomfortably wrong.  we are taught that good girls don’t do those kind of things, and that thinking a bad thought is as bad as doing it.  but eventually i just accepted the fact that i was pissed, and irritated that he is so continuously rude (this family also forgets that their car stereo is on “blast” when they start it at 5 am with the auto starter, and leave it running for ten minutes).  despite the reality that i’ve been trained to squish away these kind of thoughts, or that sending negative vibes to another will bring bad to me threefold, it seemed to make me feel better.  imagining him injured didn’t help, but ALLOWING myself to imagine, and then ACCEPTING and ACKNOWLEDGING these thoughts and feelings released my tension and anxiety.

and then, his music stopped.

life is maybe less about trying to make things happen, and make the right decisions, and more about going with the flow and admitting that you are still a little beast here and there.

challenge of the day ~ or ~ Mess of Life; 09/03/2011

i’m supposed to be working on my book today.  for those of you who are frequent flyers here at accidental happiness airlines, you may recall that i am writing a book of memoirs.  no?  oh, well i did tell you, so you must have missed that blog.  this was the weekend i intended to finish up the final editing; but life’s little lessons get in the way, and i see i must face some of my demons before i share them with the world.

Demon #1:  Shyorcifel  (also known as fear of intimacy)

i’ve been getting in touch with friends from my past, and i see that the vast majority of folk my age have spouses and children and homes.  i began to scold myself today for not having a lover, and what is wrong with me, and all of that kind of thing.  but i realized pretty quickly that the reason i am still single is that i never let anyone get close, and i never let men (or most of my friends for that matter) see the real me.  it’s scary to think that you would hope in someone to love you on your worst day, with a big juicy zit on your nose, and no makeup on, walking around in yoga pants with holes in the ass, and then your supposed to trust that this person loves you when they’ve been around you at these times?  when you’ve done something sinister or selfish?  when you’ve told about your horrid past and how messed up you are?  see, it’s easier to just never get to that level.

and that’s why i’m still single.  so i have to wrestle with the intimacy demon and work out the kinks in my emotional vulnerability quotas.

Demon #2:  Keeperoscipase  (also known as Obssessive Hoarding)

ok, i’m not actually a hoarder.  i lovingly refer to it as ‘being a Picker’.  i collect.  and while i love my books and papers and ephemera, my toys and clothes and crafts, i’m not going to be auditioning for “Hoarders” anytime soon.  but – having watched my first episode today – i can see that i am made of the same fabric as these others. we are people who are afraid.

afraid of losing someone.  afraid of letting go of the past.  afraid of living in the now, and the uncertainties of life.  afraid of forgetting something, or not having what we need, or throwing away something important or of value.

afraid of letting people in.  afraid of looking deep inside.  afraid of admitting we’ve been hurt, killed, beaten, worn down, abused, neglected and abandoned.  afraid of being seen for what we are: weak, vulnerable, and hurting.

but hey!  look at that.  the entire human race is in this category.  and while i might wash my hands too many times after tucking away another thirty copies of fiction titles i’ll never read, you might be socking down your thirteenth bottle of Labatts, or losing the use of your right arm due to a slip up with a bookie.

we’re all of us broken, wounded, beautiful creatures.  and the fascinating part of life is watching each of us uncover the treasure beneath all the outer layerings of crap.