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accidental happiness ~ stardate: RIGHT THIS MINUTE!

any of you normal people that follow this blog, you might not appreciate today’s snippet.

but for all you roller derby girls, ex-junkies and psych ward patients,  well i think you’ll get what i’m sayin’ here.

it’s been a long week already.  i have a schedule at work that goes: Long Week, Short Week, Medium Week, then starts over again.  this is the long one i’ve just finished, and ended it last night with an altercation.  so today i’m lounging around in my pajamas (yoga pants, whatever) and just breathing, you know?

suddenly there is this harsh pounding on my door, and i’m like CRAP!  WHAT?!  I’M ABOUT TO WATCH SOME TWILIGHT ZONES, LEMME ALONE!

but i answer the door.  the mailman (and you’ll hear more about him another time) was actually concerned that someone in the house might be hurt.  we’ve let our mail pile up all week because of my schedule and my sister’s, who is pulling double shifts.  and most of it is catalogues and junk mail adds, so who’s going to run out at midnight to worry about cleaning out the box?  not me!

but he had noticed we hadn’t picked it up, and he was like “everything OK here?”   which is soooo sweet!  and i brushed him off, “oh yeah, it’s fine, sorry!!”

i pull all the mail out and smile at him.  “sorry!”

then later i happen to look in the mirror and see

mailman

wonky hair in all directions, ex mascara smeared all over my face and basic overall grumpiness.  plus i’m in my kookoo pants and a sleeveless comic book hero tee shirt.

yep; nothing wrong with anybody here!

what if?

what if this life isn’t what i think it is?  what if it IS more like a Twilight Zone than people want to believe?  what if it is just a scripted experiment, and i’m just a body running the maze, with an already decided outcome and a short time in which to determine the path i choose.  which may lead to the same outcome the other path leads to.

so why am i stalling?  why am i afraid of my own power?  my own magic?  my own voice?

time to live like this crazy life might actually change itself around my actions.  time to live like i’m in a dystopian novel, but I’M the writer of the ending.

time to fully be me, and let all of the magic strands of me do what they will…

to be continued…

fishing from beyond

If I were to try to do something beyond the grave, it wouldn’t be fishing.  It would be something I love, like having sex, or watching Twilight Zones, or trying to eat other people’s food even though I’m dead and I really can’t enjoy the flavors anymore.  Fishing isn’t really my thing.  But apparently there is someone on my morning walk who is still trying to get his fly on.

Last year I noticed a fishing line, draped passionately over a telephone wire.  Of course, if you are the average, boxed-in type thinker, you will just assume someone got their line caught while casting off.  I’m sure that is frustrating.  I, however, immediately thought that someone had been called away to heaven, and despite the happiness one might have when realizing you are going UP instead of the other direction, this recently vacanted being wanted to hang on to his fishing pole and get in one last catch.

It seems he was successful in convincing the authorities that he should stay around a little bit longer, and guard the waters, or continue plucking fishies from their homes, whichever he is capable of in his newly ghostly state.  I’m calling him Fisherman Bill.  Here are some shots of him I think you’ll like:

accidental happiness: stardate~ 4.27.11

Used to be I was a drone bee, like all the other drone bees.  I would wake up at the ungodly hour of 6:00 in the morning, get ready, go to work, bustle about with whatever I was supposed to be doing -half asleep because I hadn’t had enough coffee – and spend the entire day doing what everyone else was doing, which was thinking about all the things we COULD be doing instead of working, like playing video games, or going to the movies, sleeping in, having sex, or spending some money at the local mall.  I told you, this was some time ago…I don’t really go to the mall that often anymore.  Unless I need some cute earrings from Claire’s, or something sassy from Hot Topic.  Shut up; yes I HAVE seen that South Park episode and it’s hilarious.  I still shop at Hot Topic.

Today makes me glad I finally gave up working the normal work-a-day business hours to go rogue.  It’s raining steadily right now at twelve noon.  I went for my walk, as the rain poured down on me, and breathed in the smell of toast that permeated the air.  Lunch time, I guess.  I still hadn’t had breakfast.  I had a chance to see a baby muskrat running through someone’s yard.  I got to hear the morning church bells, which always remind me of Switzerland.  I made myself a cup of coffee, wishing I had my secret ingredient to make it Russian style, and sat myself down to write out a little blog.  Perhaps I could squeeze in some work on my Twilight Zone project, if time allows. 

Back in the day I wouldn’t have the chance to do all this.  Back in the day, I would be collating paperwork right now, or ordering up lunch for some executives, or wondering why my boss’ deposit slip never seemed to match the till.  (hint:  weed growing in the back yard, which I didn’t find out about for a long while)  Back in the day I would have missed this glorious morning of green grass, mama Robins and soggy britches.  I would already be indoors, wanting to get out, waiting to be released from work so I could have an evening walk full of traffic and cars honking and people driving home hungry for dinner and drunks that started getting happy quite a while before the appointed hour.

So it’s a good thing I finally happened to start taking jobs that allowed me to go into work at 3:00, or 5:00 even.  And it’s a good thing I finally discovered I was a writer.  And also, not much of a morning person.

denelle’s top 10 reasons for having sex

 

10. It’s a nice way to keep in touch:

Gosh, with all change in the world today, it seems like sometimes you have to make an extra effort to stay connected with your friends and cohorts. People change jobs, move to different locales, and break up and divorce all the time. No one wants to lose all their hard earned friends. Sex is DEFINITELY one way to keep your friends close!

9. It’s a perfect form of worship:

You say god, I say goddess. You say potato, I say French fries. Whatever or whoever you revere or honor, every great deity needs some worship and acknowledgement. Some appreciate sacrifices and libations as well. For me, the perfect form of worship involves sex. Bodies coming together to celebrate life, the world, the earth, and unity of people. I mean UNITY. So go ahead and sit in your pew with your hymnal if you like. Or, you could try my method of honorific studies, and hop in the sack when you need to pray real loud.

8. It’s a great way to stay warm:

This has been – hands down – the longest winter I’ve ever experienced. Granted, I live in Michigan, so extended winters are to be expected. But come on! Winter hits here in November, and by the end of April, when you are still seeing occasional snowflakes…well a girl gets a bit punchy. And cold! Enter the ever popular sex act. With the cost of life going up, and heating bills that stagger the allotted budgetary demands, a nice romp in the hay is the perfect way to stay warm while you’re waiting for spring to show up.

7. It’s an excellent way to be politically active:

You know the old hippie saying “Make Love, Not War”. If everyone was getting a little more, perhaps we would have less war, less crime, less…I don’t know…pollution? I can’t change the whole world, but I have determined that one way I can at least FEEL like I’m making a difference is SEX! I may not be picketing down at the Capitol, I may not be a part of Green Peace, but I can feel like I’m doing my part in active “not-making-of-war” by participating strenuously in the making-love part of the slogan. Being politically active has never been so fun!

6. It’s a healthy way to deal with anger:

People can be annoying. And irritating. And stoooopid. Some days it’s all you can do to keep from punching people in the kisser. And since you’re already thinking of putting something in someone’s kisser, why not turn to your sweetheart for a grumpy quickie? Venting out your anger in sex can make for a hot, passionate – albeit bruising – affair. So you get a little rug burn, or potentially a black eye. What’s a little pain between friends? Especially when it keeps you from overnight jail accommodations due to assaulting a stranger on the subway.

5. It’s an excellent form of exercise:

I may have accidentally put on a few pounds this winter. Not a lot of pounds. And maybe not even pounds, maybe I’m just more…huggable, less firm. So (as soon as it’s warm enough) I’m headed back to my walking routine. But in the meantime, how’s a girl to burn some extra calories so she can fit into her favorite hot skinny jeans? Yup! Sex to the rescue! Interestingly, in a male/female couple, both partners burn more calories if the woman is on top. And hey, I’m striving to tone up, so I gotta do my duty! Check out this chart for more …

http://calorielab.com/news/2008/02/12/calories-burned-during-sex/

 4. It’s the ideal recreational activity:

Bored? Get real. How can you be bored when there is someone next to you with all those nice body parts! I hate when people tell me they have nothing to do and life’s a bore. Or that they went on vacation and it was a big drag. Give me a break! You’re in Montreal, and your BORED!? Not happening. But ok, let’s say you are…let’s say you’re in Montreal, and there’s nothing to do because the whole city has gone to sleep. Or you’re out camping and it rains the whole time. Or you went to go zip lining and the instructor got sick with Sleeping Tiger Fever. (made that one up) Have some sex. It’s a great activity anytime, and it’s completely portable. You can take it with you to Disneyworld, the Bahamas, and even back yard barbecues. (check with your doctor about skydiving and snorkeling…I can’t be sure about those)

3. It’s helpful for cleaning off surfaces:

Come on, I’m an artist. I’m a writer, a crafter, a hobbyist, a Twilight Zone enthusiast, and a reader. I have too many projects and interests to spend any decent amount of time cleaning my house. Luckily for me, a nice bout of sex on the coffee table can clean off ALL my junk in one glorious swoop! Shove all that stuff on the floor and go at it! Look at that; my coffee table is cleared off! Try my method, it’s sure to be a hit. (granted, you have to pick all the stuff off the floor afterwards, but it’s blissfully easier to put away now!)

2. It’s a great exfoliant:

Seriously! You’ve never thought of that? What an excellent way to rejuvenate yourself, refresh your skin, and give yourself that “glow” of health. Sex is THE way to healthy skin; all that wonderful friction to slough off dead skin cells. Certainly a more entertaining way to revive your youthful appearance than an old facial mask.

1. It’s fashion forward:

Sex is THE one thing that goes with everything and NEVER goes out of style. All the cool people are doing it, and some of the important people too. Sex goes with food, fashion, music, movies, alcohol, and all sorts of other forms of entertainment. If I really have to give you ten reasons you should be having sex, you clearly haven’t had the right kind.

whackadaisical

 

today may have been the hardest day of my adult life.

i don’t know, there have been some pretty hard ones…narrowing it down to which one is the worst may be overly ambitious of me. still, this one ranks right up there. it’s at least the hardest day i’ve had in a very, very long while.

my condition – the DID – makes life…shall i say, interesting.

my sister – the angel i live with – puts up with a lot, and i don’t envy her. i guess my memory is rather spotty. maybe if i just sat around trying to remember what my favorite childhood tv show was (TWILIGHT ZONE) or favorite book (I Never Promised You a Rose Garden) or other childhood favorites, well maybe a spotty memory wouldn’t be so bad.

i like to be witty. i like to have a funny comeback, or a sassy antidote. i like to write blogs that are interesting, or curious, or whacky, that will make someone laugh or wonder how i got to be such a silly person.

but today is not like that.

today is a punched-in-the-gut day.

today there isn’t much bravado left in me, so i guess i have to be brutally honest for a change.

today was horrible.

i’ve had a lot of jobs. i’ve been a janitor, a teacher’s aid, a cashier. i’ve worked at bookstores, health clubs, pizza parlours and day camps. i’ve worked for theological seminaries, colleges, insurance companies and health food stores. and i’ve never really looked at that. i know several people where i work right now that have only worked one job, their whole life, in the same building for 20, 30 years. i don’t mind that i’ve traveled and changed and lived. but today it stared me straight in the face, and the question was…why do i have to keep moving?

i had a job review recently, and it didn’t make me happy. usually my job reviews are good; often they are great. i meet expectations or i greatly exceed them. i’ve always been something of a workhorse, and people have regularly noticed that i’m a hard worker. but this time i got a mixed review. feedback from my supervisor was that i was inconsistent, and she felt i should be remembering my job better than i am. and only being in this position for a little while didn’t seem to matter. she is frustrated with me.

the thing is; i don’t remember.

i don’t know what things i’m not doing right. and she didn’t tell me, though i kept asking. but that’s the thing…several people might have had conversations with me, and it’s true, i may not remember them. this is what my sister deals with all the time. she tells me something in passing, and i say “what are you talking about?” then she’ll say, you know … we talked about it yesterday. and no, i have no idea what she’s talking about. she’s gotten so used to it that now she’ll just look at me and say “well i talked to one of you the other day”. this has made me feel embarrassed a lot of the time, and i’ve sometimes gotten mad and been like “stop saying that. it’s all me” but some of the me’s don’t have any idea what we’re talking about.

and now, apparently, this is happening at work.

back in the day – when i worked at all these other places – none of my other personalities came out at work. or if they did, the worker person somehow managed to keep them in the background. i was basically always functioning in one mode back then. but now i have people out all the time that may not fully understand their job situation.

so today i had to tell my boss i have MPD. and it sucked. i cried like a baby, because i’ve tried so very hard for so very long to fit into the “normal” world and look and act just like everyone else. i haven’t wanted to rouse suspicion, lest someone find out my darkest secret. and now it’s out of the bag! and my secret is more public than i’d planned on going. and i’m scared.

i’m afraid of being fired.

i’m afraid of losing my friends.

i’m afraid of people thinking i’m an idiot.

i’m afraid of making people angry at me for being this way.

i’m afraid of not being cared for and loved.

i know i’m totally fucked up. i know that. but i’ve been alone with that knowledge my whole life. and now my sister supports me. but the more i open my fucking heart to people, the more i care, the more i end up needing to explain my whackadaisical behaviors….and i’m worried.

because not everyone will be able to love me.

and i desperately need love.

in the Twilight Zone

 

How was your weekend?
Mine was fabulous. Despite the fact that I caught a cold on Friday (maybe because I determinedly went on my morning walk despite the cold, damp and rain) and was laid up in bed all weekend, I still had a great time. Ok, Saturday was slow in some ways, because I spent a great deal of the day in bed sleeping. But my saving grace helped me through the ordeal: The Twilight Zone.

My local library has the entire five seasons on DVD, and I frequently check them out. You see, The Twilight Zone is one of my Achilles’ Heels. I’ve been addicted since I was nine or ten. Back when I was growing up just outside of L.A. (in the late seventies early eighties), The Twilight Zone ran in syndication every day at noon. I became addicted to the show, and days that I stayed home from school with a cold or flu, I lay on the couch with my eyes like saucers, all aglow from the light of our telly. The twisted, reality bending episodes crept into my mind and shadowed me throughout my lifetime, where I questioned which version of reality was accurate or correct. Mine? Someone else’s? Rod Serling’s?

It doesn’t seem to matter how many times I see these familiar episodes, which have become like old friends to me. I love them each time, and find new things to appreciate on each viewing. So yes, I didn’t feel my best this weekend. But watching the Zone while I was under the weather made my weekend the best possible.