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pretty sure i live next door to an elephant.

i don’t recall the elephant moving in.  i mean – i’m pretty sure that’s something i’d remember.  it would take a lot of effort to get an elephant into the complex we live in, especially considering that it occupies an upstairs apartment.  so no, i don’t remember this happening.

still, an elephant seems to live next door to me.  early in the morning this creature careens into his or her kitchen and fumbles around in the cupboards, eventually making what i imagine is peanut flavored coffee.  then the critter rambles up and down the hall, stomping mice under its huge trash-can-lid-sized feet.   and sometimes i hear Dumbo crashing down the stairs and out into the parking lot, finally driving off in some sort of SUV.

it’s impossible to sleep when this creature is awake and moving about.  and i’m mildly worried that one day this being will stomp its way straight through the floor of their home (my ceiling) and crash-land into my lap.  maybe i need to go to my local library and check to see if there is an Eloise Etiquitte Book for Zoo Animals and Other Noisy Beasts.

coffee and MRIs

i don’t want to be ungrateful.  it’s important to me to be thankful for things in life, and to try to see the silver lining in everything.  focusing on the positive is a good thing.  very nice. 


we’ve sent people to the moon, and created a communication system that flies thorough space invisibly but manages to connect us to someone clear across the world, and we’ve even made nasty tasting stamps into stickers, so we don’t all die of glue poisoning;  you’d think we could figure out a way to make construction machines, devices, and vehicles more quiet. 

again, i’m not trying to be ungrateful.  thank you, construction workers, for fixing my road.  and making the sewer system better so that my neighborhood doesn’t smell like a piss pot from the 1800’s.  thank you for fixing the potholes in my street so my car doesn’t get a flat and my neighbor doesn’t spill coffee on himself when he is driving, drinking, and texting on his way to work. 

thank you, city workers. 

but, if you don’t mind my asking, why do you have to do all this at 7:30 in the fucking morning?

it’s not like you’re beating the traffic rush; every other fucking person on the planet has to be to work at 8 or 9, so they are already out on the road, spilling their coffee down their shirts after they drive over one of the potholes you guys will be fixing next week.  in someone else’s neighborhood.  where you will be waking up other innocent, slumbering folk with your loud fucking trucks and hammering machines that turn my morning into a three hour MRI that tells me no information about myself, except that i am a surly, grumpy bitch when i don’t get enough sleep. 

but thank you, for fixing the roads.  this is important to me, because i drive on them.  and i will be driving on them later today, as i take my grumpy ass to work, and continue to complain because you guys were also working this weekend – ON A SATURDAY – early in the morning, when good people should really be in bed working off a hangover, and there you were WORKING HARD outside my window at 8 am.  wow, you guys are dedicated.  and now, now that i am half awake and stumbling through the house looking for caffeine, and resigning myself to 5 hours of sleep instead of the much preferred and needed 10, you are taking a coffee break, and there is glorious silence throughout the land.

i’m not being ungrateful; but tomorrow, when you do all this again, could you maybe have your coffee break and lunch at the START of the day, and delay working on that awesome road until at least, i don’t know, 7:55?