you can spot my work schedule by my blog. long week: just a pictue. short week: three blogs in one day. by the way, blog is such a weird word.
i haven’t written about my “condition” lately. mostly because i have trained myself to walk around pretending like i don’t have it; like there is nothing wrong with me. but sometimes…well i can’t always avoid the truth.
on Wednesday of last week, i came into work in a different personality. apparently. because EVERYONE commented on how weird i was that day, and one of my co-workers/friends said “i don’t think denelle is with us today”. i’m not sure if she was talking about the Multiplicity situation, or if she just thought i was “on Pluto” which is what one of my other co-workers said.
i sort of feel like i have MPD-Lite. like a lite beer instead of the real thing. i’m not sure if that is an accurate summation, or a real possibility. maybe i just don’t want to think i’m as crazy as i am. i put up pictures on my blog because people seem to respond more strongly to my photos than to my written blogs, and somewhere in a corner of my mind, someone sighs from relief, thinking that if we just keep people happy we won’t have to talk about that “weird stuff”.
but it is weird. Wednesday i was in whatever personality i was in, and i didn’t know i was any different than normal. i’ve never played an RPG game or Magic the Gathering or anything like that, but i think i can liken my situation (multiple personalities) with Magic: people – like cards – are on reserve for certain situations. i more frequently use my WORKER card, because it is an appropriate face to show the general public. but i have all these other guys in my deck, just waiting for the right circumstance to pop in the game: a laughing little silly girl; a cynical, untrusting old soul; a prankster type; a klutzorama. all of them are waiting for their moment to come back, so they can hop around and eat ice cream, or stick their tongue out at someone.
and they don’t necessarily know that they haven’t been out in a while. some of my personalities are very aware of time, others, my lifeline. others are … well, pretty clueless and scared. and sometimes these people pop out on accident, which is maybe what happened on Wednesday, i don’t know. but then i had someone asking me if i was OK all night, is there some way they can help.
i’m like: Jesus, i’m not bleeding out of my eyes! i’m just crazy! and how are you going to help; have you got a personality organizer handy?
well, anyway, i guess all this came on because i just put up an old poem that uses the word “skritchy”, and that is what i call one of my personalities.
but skritchy is a story for another day….
there’s a demon in my belly
just dying to get out.
it’s in my ribcage
pounding against my heart and
throwing itself against my lungs.
sometimes i can feel it’s
stretching up toward my throat
trying to gag me –
to silence me –
to choke the life out of me.
so i drink a gallon of water
to try to drown him out and
flush him away.
comes crawling back to me,
assault my body
and invade me again
if i as much as open my mouth
c. 2009 denelle hobbs