Blog Archives

mess of life, stardate July 9 to present


Last weekend, around the fourth of July, Bodie and I watched a show that is airing on VH1, which is called the OCD Project. I love a lot of reality shows. Not the ones that turn into cat-fights over who slept with whom. Not the ones that take advantage of the tragic and public lives of celebrities, and their nasty habit of being human. But I do like a lot of these shows, because it’s freeing somehow to see other people react to situations, and to watch them display common, universal behaviors. Because too often, I tell myself that there is something wrong with me. For the whole of my life, that is what I have believed. In fact, for a long while I thought I was a curse, or a jinx, and that anyone that befriended me would suffer somehow.
Anyway, I digress. The OCD Project came at just the right time. I watched a few episodes, and saw a whole group of people struggle to do normal, average, everyday tasks that I assume a great majority of people can do without much effort. Wash a load of laundry. Drive a car at night. Turn off the lights when you get ready to go to bed. But for these people, it’s a matter of turning on and off the lights forty times. It’s synchronistic, I suppose, that I managed to squeeze three episodes of this show into my life before I too would be confronted with what they call “Exposures”. In an “Exposure”, you are forced to confront one of your issues, face to face.

So here is my Exposure.

They are moving my working area. And while this has happened before (actually, I think I’ve been relocated four times in the last year and a half) I have never had the situation provoke these emotions from me. I can’t think of a time when I’ve had such a tense work environment. First there is the negative energy that flows around the whole area I work in. Inner-department rivalry, bitterness, anger, and fairly open hostility have all gone unresolved for untold years. Complaints are abundant, and negative talk is fierce and rampant. For someone with my psychic awareness this is a difficult situation. But coupled with my trio of acronym illnesses (DID, PTSD, OCD) I’m fairly screwed. Oh sure, they all cover it up with sarcasm and passive aggressive mumblings. Still, it’s not the most supportive work environment I’ve experienced.

And now I’ve been shoved into a corner of the department that has been designated for broken objects in disrepair. I’ve been given a shitty table as my counter space, no computer for my work, and no shelving, organizational tools or anything to make my space workable or personal. While other people have private, decorated cubicles full of personal and luxury items, like coffee makers, extra furniture, tapestries and pictures of their kids, I have a busted table and boxes of shit underneath this table, so that I can’t even scoot my chair in all the way. I’ve been told we are ‘working on it’. Everyone else in the entire department – the entire FLOOR of the building has a nice unit, or at least a nice desk. Not me. They “might” be able to clear off one shelf for me, on their bookcase full of crap. If I’m nice. And good. And don’t bite anyone in the next three weeks. Which means I’m screwed again, because I’m definitely feeling a bite coming on…

But the bigger issue is the placement of the horrible table.

I look out the window, so that’s nice, but my back is to everyone that walks by. This is maybe not the worst thing in the world for some people, who would like nothing more than to turn their back on their fellow man. But for me, it’s a nightmare. Tune in tomorrow to find out why….

Surviving Survivor

So I just wrote up a post to Survivor, the CBS phenom reality show everyone should be familiar with or you’re living under a rock.


I’ve never written in before, on the website or bloggy bloggers or any of that. Because what does it matter what I think? 

Still, after watching last week’s episode of the show (shut up, we have to DVR things so we’re a little behind) I was incensed. Oh sure, I care who wins. I always end up picking my favorites, and then I scream at the television during the challenges, cheering my person on, as if that will help, because this WAS filmed probably five months ago. I yell my people’s names, and swear ugly, horrible, sailor swear words at the people that I don’t like. (you know who you are! I’m sure you can hear me through the television!) I freak out when my people lose, and jump up and pump my fists when they win. 

Do I really think any of this makes a difference? Well no, I just said, this was filmed ages ago. But in a LIVE competition, I have some wicked mad cheering skills (seriously, don’t bet against my team, you’re terribly likely to lose) so I guess I cheer out of habit. 

Anyway, the thing that bothered me about the show wasn’t who was sent home (Boston Rob – sorry man, I love you) or who did the masterminding of the send off (Russell – I love you too, you brilliant little troll) but the first two minutes of the episode. 

In the “previously, on Survivor” part of the show, Jeff Probst reads off a laundry list of naughties perpetrated by Russell in the undoing of Boston Rob. So what? I’m sorry, did you think I was watching “Who Wants to be the next Dinosaur Barney”? No. This is Survivor. I expect to see some scheming and cheating, lying and back stabbing. The things is, some of what Jeff accused Russell of doing, well I just don’t remember seeing him do. And when he makes the comparison between the two contestants, he builds one up to be the hero, and makes the other out to be the Antichrist. Really they both are playing on the Villains team, so what does that tell you? 

What I DON’T expect to see on Survivor is slanted and biased writing from the producers or editors, or blatant contestant favoritism from the host, Jeff Probst. Now is Jeff REALLY favoring Boston Rob over Russell? I don’t know. And I don’t care. 

I don’t care what the opinions are behind the issues, so much as I care about the issue itself. If you want to go around bad mouthing people, and accusing people of doing things they didn’t really do; If you want to go around saying that shady players and untrustworthy people should be the leaders of the world and have holidays named after them; If you want to skew the opinions of others and lead them down biased informational highways, molding them to your point of view and erasing their ability to think for themselves, well then do what the rest of us are doing…. 

Get your own [F-word + ing] BLOG.