i like to merge worlds. i dig the whole quantum physics thing, and the possibility of multiple realities, alternate times, extra me’s out there doing something i’m not doing now, like having a boyfriend and getting laid.
i like to merge these other worlds into my now world. clearly this started in my youth, when i was obsessed with the Twilight Zone (like now) and certain that the ideas presented in this show were not only possible but probable and actual. this skewed my view of the world around me and caused me to look at everything in a more un-conventional, out-of-the-box type of thinking that my peers did not have.
and so, days when i get a shot like this, just a lamppost sitting on a square of grass, that people pass every day without noticing, i see an old London style gaslight, that makes me feel i am walking the paths of Sherlock Holmes, or the frightening but fascinating Jack the Ripper. and yes, the big glass windowed building doesn’t quite feel of cobblestone alleys and fog drenched passages, but then again, you can’t merge two worlds without bringing a bit of each.
And I know how to back out of relationships. I know how to make a guy crazy so he leaves me. I know how to run away from a guy when he starts to feel too strongly for me, or starts to see the “real” me. I know how to pick losers that I will eventually get bored with, or flight risks that I know won’t be able to stay around for too very long due to their nature.
What I haven’t known how to do was open up.
I haven’t known how to let someone in to that little part of my heart that has always been guarded. I haven’t known how to tell someone my darkest secrets, and trust that they won’t trounce all over my soul. I’ve made attempts to share my dark secrets and icky skeletons with men I cared about, but it’s never really worked out well for me. Usually I can’t actually say what I want, or they freak out and run away from my too much intensity kind of self.
I’ve heard many times that when you least expect it, and when you aren’t looking for it, love comes along. And yes, I understand that there are no guarantees. There are no sure bets and no fixed outcomes. Love may not come for me in the way that I’m hoping it will. The odds may stack themselves up against me, and I may well end up broken hearted, devastated, empty handed. I may be pushing all my chips in to the table only to find that my pair of two’s isn’t quite enough to win that delicious pot that is worth the risk of it all.
But who can say? Who can say what the future is? How do I know what the path ahead holds for me? I wish only the best for my fellow players in this round; I wish success and happiness for all. I mean no harm to those I bet against, and no disrespect to those I ante up to. I’m not trying to trick those at my table, deceive anyone with my hidden tells, or coerce the outcome I desire by manipulation or seduction. I mean only to throw in my lot with the rest of those at hand, and see how I come up.
Because at this point, what else can I do? To win big, I must risk it all. To find that which I desire, I must sacrifice some of the safety I have. To walk away with the spoils, I must give everything I own. And it’s crazy. It’s insane. It makes no logical sense, and there is no reason I should do it. What I should do is walk it off. Shake it off. Sleep it off. I should pick up my belongings and cash in my chips at the door. I should go saunter up to that cute bartender and see if he doesn’t have something that will cure my ails. Maybe that would be the more logical choice.
But I can’t. Because I’m already in. I’ve already fallen in. I’m ALL in.