Today is a gigantic orgasm.
It’s October – in Michigan – and I’m wearing a tank top, with the windows open. The birds outside are hosting the first annual American Idol Avian competition, and everyone sounds pretty good so far. My wind chimes are the accompaniment and I’m not sure who the judges are, but if my vote counts, I’d have to pick the group of birds on the neighbors roof over the blue jay flying around.
Meanwhile, the cars drive by my house with their speedy shells racing along, kicking up leaves on the street, which dance in the wind for a while before landing on the damp ground again. It rained quite a bit last night and this morning, and the half rainy day is peaceful, relaxed and harmonious. For me. Right now. ‘Cause I’m on my couch writing and breathing and enjoying, and not out running errands or attending funerals or anything like that.
But I’m trying to learn to see the silver lining in everything, and when I’m looking at life through that lens, it seems there are so many treasures around me, I lose count of my blessings! Food in the fridge and in the cupboard – check. Body parts all accounted for and working – check. Heart full of hope and desire – check. Money in the bank – well, sixty cents is still money, so check.
Like I said; today is a big orgasm.
Today is a downloading day for me. I have these moments, and sometimes days, pretty regularly. It’s not that I’m depressed, because I’m not really. How can I be depressed on a gorgeous day like today? The trees are phenomenally gorgeous, sprinkling my walk with more color than my eyes can consume. Green trees, yellow trees, trees that want to be orange, red, green, burgundy and ochre all at the same time. Some clumps are all bold and brilliant, and other patches of trees are soft, silvery, mauve. The brilliant blue sky sports whispy clouds that float through the air with no apparent agenda or time frame. It’s a gorgeous, warm, relaxed October day, and I am downloading. I often have direction, goals or intentions. I wake up thinking about a project I need to work on, a task I need to complete, chores I have been putting off or a hobby I want to get back to. I have to work out, I have to make a grocery list, I need to repair a broken earring or watch a movie rental before it’s due back. I might have social obligations or volunteer duties to attend to. And usually, my brain is full of ideas, thoughts, aspirations, longings, chatter, songs and intense curiosity about everything around me. On downloading days I have none of this. I’m neither tired nor energetic. I’m neither depressed nor excited. I have no specific desires or ambitions, and often find myself indecisive, not sure which direction to go. I call these downloading days because it’s like my brain has had enough frenetic activity lately and needs an hour (or twenty) to just buzz. The stuff in my brain is just rattling around and looking for somewhere to land. It’s like I’m downloading something on my computer, and I just have to wait. I can’t do anything else because whatever is downloading just isn’t done yet, so I sit and watch football, or go for a long walk, or talk emotionlessly to someone about nothing of interest. It’s just a day. A beautiful, gorgeous, perfect day; but a day I might enjoy better had my brain been fully engaged.
tonight i took a walk to my park; too late, for sure. probably not a good idea to do that all the time, but i really needed an extra fix. i’ve gotten addicted to my walks, and especially to the river. and tonight as i walked in the no-longer-hot air, i had much on my mind. i had a heavy heart, and a worried mind. i was longing for love, and worried about the path it was taking to arrive, at long last, in my life. but i am not in control of a good many things in life, and if i were there would be more sex, alcohol and football or futball involved.
my path through park number one was quiet, with fireflies lighting my way. they sparkled in the dusk like twinkle lights on a tree, and flashed their message to me: all is well; all is well. at park number two i was calmed even more. the water at the falls was full and frothy, like a good mug of hard cider in October. ducks were about, and calm and collected, discussing the day’s events, or possibly exchanging information about timeshares. i sat on the park bench and fell into a lull. overhead lights shone on the water, in silver, gold and purple. the shimmer of the lights reflected in the water looked like a firework display, with every ripple on the river giving off a spark of light. it was truly amazing, and a treasured moment.
i am not in charge of LOVE. i cannot guarantee its safe arrival to me. i have no promise of a tomorrow, with someone or without. i don’t know what the future holds. but i do know that i can love others. i can give love, whether or not it comes back to me. i can do my part, and give my love, and that much i CAN know. seeing the beauty of the water, and nature’s little buzzing flashlights reminded me: there is so much love out there in the world, even if it doesn’t come to me directly, i figure i can still catch a second hand buzz one way or another.