How do you know when your dentist is really a serial killer in disguise? Let me give you some good hints, just so you can be wary.
On my daily walk I pass by a dentist’s office. The lawn has little tiny flowers growing in the bushes, and the building is sitting right next to a house I am fond of. It took me a while to finally suspect that this dentist is actually a murderer. But here, for the first time, I reveal his villainy.
The sign on the front of the dentist’s office has a terribly arcane and intriguing symbol. I’m sure if I asked the dentist he would explain it away by saying it’s an old ancient Greek symbol for healing arts, and health, and that kind of poppycock. But I know it to be a recognizable and familiar symbol to flag other murderers in the area. “Hey guys, I have wicked tools and a dark and moldy basement here. Want to come play sometime?” That’s what the symbol REALLY means.
This symbol is painted on a sign which sits in front of the entrance to the building. Being a considerate kind of mass murderer, and an equal opportunity one at that, the dentist has installed handicap accessible ramps to his office. Because it’s not bad enough that he wants to maim and torture small children and the elderly. He wants to get the handicapped and other-abled involved as well. Like I said, considerate.
The cement walkway has two large cigarette receptacles on either side of the raised path ramp. The tall, white monstrosities are shaped like giant pawns that belong on a chessboard. Oh sure, you can say that he doesn’t want people tossing their cigarette butts all over his parking lot. But I recognize the symbolism here; he is clearly expressing to the world that it is all a game to him, life is a game, and he is the mastermind. Everyone is but a pawn, and he the player who decides which patients live, and which patients are good for the black market trade of kidneys, livers and hearts. Being a dentist and all, he should probably be discouraging people from smoking anyway. But the smoking may lead to more problems of the mouth and gums, and maybe that’s what he’s hoping for.
The walkway itself is partially shrouded beneath a tarp-like overhanging. The normal, unaware person might think the dentist is being thoughtful, trying to keep his patients comfortable during a rainy day, or protected from a sudden gust of wind. To the untrained eye this might seem perfectly reasonable. To a sleuth like me, however, suspicion is raised once again. Why does this overhanging look so menacing? They used to call Jack the Ripper “leather apron” before he gave himself the Ripper title. It was suggested that the Ripper was a butcher, and wore a leather apron. The dentist’s awning looks mysteriously similar to a leather apron, as though it might be made of faux leather, or, in fact, real skin! It wrinkles like skin would, here and there around the poles it is tied to, only I imagine it is waterproof, so you can rinse it down if arterial spatter should get all over it. The sides of the awning are stitched together in a creepy, laced up fashion, like you might find on a nice lamp in a proper serial killer’s home, where they have pieced together furniture out of various victims. And the awning just happens to be the color of old blood. Hmmm. Creepy, Creepy, Creepy.
Finally, if I haven’t convinced you by now, my last two pieces of evidence. While walking one day, on a Saturday, you know, when doctors and dentists should be out golfing, spending all their riches on the grassy knolls, I spy the dentist coming out of a side door in his building. He creeps out of the door, which opens out to the parking lot. Interesting, what is he doing inside today, when there are no cars in the lot? He obviously has no real client to work on…so why is he dressed thus? He is covered in a giant, white apron, and seems to be wearing gloves, while at the same time smoking a cigarette. Is this a protective apron for his trade? Because yes, teeth cleaning is gross, and yes, plaque is disgusting, but does it fly around so much that you need to be in HAZMAT gear from head to shin? This vision arouses my curiosity, and during my daily walk I vow to watch the dentist more closely. Interestingly enough, this very week I heard crazed, manic, wild music coming from somewhere in the vicinity of the dentist’s office. Was it he, the mass tooth murderer who was playing the diabolical music to cover up the screams of his victims? Is he even now busy at work, dismembering limbs from a scheduled root canal gone wrong? How long will he get away with his dastardly deeds? Stay tuned to find out if the dentist is scurried away by the bobbies of the town, or if he eludes the long arm of the law…