Posted by denelle
we all have a little of the dark in us i guess. last night while i was lying on my heated massage table, my next door neighbor was outside in his car, playing ‘tunes’. he does this all the time. perhaps he’s gotten into a fight with his wife, so he goes into the car and blares his music. maybe he’s in there getting high, as he frequently does. maybe he’s just trying to pop the eardrums of unsuspecting locals. the boom boom of his choice of music echoes through his vehicle loudly enough that it shakes the windows of my house.
it’s kind of hard to be in a peaceful, restful state when it sounds like a sledge hammer is taking down your walls.
at about this point last night the dark in me rose up. i lay on the massage table imagining ways that i could kill my neighbor; electrical shock from his own stereo would be the most poetic, but probably not an easy task to arrange. if i were a vampire i could drink him dry, but i don’t think i’d want to get that close to him, he’s been kind of sour lately.
at first this kind of thinking made me feel uncomfortably wrong. we are taught that good girls don’t do those kind of things, and that thinking a bad thought is as bad as doing it. but eventually i just accepted the fact that i was pissed, and irritated that he is so continuously rude (this family also forgets that their car stereo is on “blast” when they start it at 5 am with the auto starter, and leave it running for ten minutes). despite the reality that i’ve been trained to squish away these kind of thoughts, or that sending negative vibes to another will bring bad to me threefold, it seemed to make me feel better. imagining him injured didn’t help, but ALLOWING myself to imagine, and then ACCEPTING and ACKNOWLEDGING these thoughts and feelings released my tension and anxiety.
and then, his music stopped.
life is maybe less about trying to make things happen, and make the right decisions, and more about going with the flow and admitting that you are still a little beast here and there.