I can’t believe it’s been a whole week since my life-changing day of MAD Monday.
I’ve been doing a recurring blog that I think has made a huge impact in my life, and I wanted to share just in case – you know – it’s a magical formula for world peace or something. Of course, if it is I probably should have Trade Marked it and bottled it for maximum financial rewards…ah well. I must be a philanthropist at heart.
Every Monday on my blog “Luv Lansing” (that’s where I live, Lansing) I do a feature called “MAD Monday”. This stands for Make A Difference Monday. There is a Make A Difference Day, and I just decided, hell…Mondays kind of tend to suck, so why I’m I waiting all year to Make A Difference when I could just waste a little lousy Monday time making a difference.
And then, lousy Monday started making a difference on me. In my Make A Difference Monday blogs, I tend to post approximately four different volunteer opportunities for people in my area to get involved with. Usually I find out about these on Volunteer Match. These might be things like volunteer as a sign up reception person at the Red Cross, or help out at the YMCA. And then I post a little information about the group, a picture or two, link to them so people can go right to the source, or direct them through Volunteer Match so they can check out MORE opportunities if they like.
Well here’s the thing: I’ve always wanted to do this kind of thing. Volunteer here or there; donate monies to worthy organizations; travel the world working with doctors in underdeveloped countries or helping to save the dolphins. Or some other far reaching idea that is equal to raising unicorns on a sandy beach or having a barn full of dragons. You know? Because I am a civil worker, and live on a very meager income at this point in my life. And I live FINE, but it’s not like I’m able to contribute to all these groups I would like to contribute to, or pick up and go to Africa for a month to help re-establish the dwindling cheetah community.
So I’ve sort of been putting off contributing…until I had all the extra millions I will make from being a smart ass, once the world decides it really should financially support those of us who are caustic, wry and smart assy. I’ve been wanting to donate, but I guess waiting for … extra.
And doing this weekly article about volunteering has suddenly made the leap in my brain. Even if I can’t volunteer myself today, I can help someone else volunteer. Someone who maybe doesn’t have to go to work, because they have a sugar daddy, or they are retired, or they just have oodles of cash they found in their previous job as a pillaging pirate. And now, every week, I look forward to that crappy Monday morning, because I know I’m going to get this buzz from the blog. And it’s OK that I’m saying this all wrong, and not magically, so that you think “Oh My God, this is the most awesome thing ever, and I will do this in MY community!” Because I’m a little crazy right now, cause I’ve just done the MAD Monday blog, and it makes me a little hyper, and excited about life, or it makes me sit and cry all day, like last week. And luckily for me, it builds my karma points, so that I can go to work the rest of the week and deplete all those karma points and still come out OK in the end, cause my MAD Monday gave me so many extra.
Weeee…see? It’s good for you!
Go here to see my blog, and maybe you’ll do one in your own city?? MAD Monday rocks!
today i read a good – but difficult – book. and i cried. and cried more. and wondered why the world is the way it is. why life is like this. why do we have to have death and loss, sorrow and anguish? but even while wondering this, i knew that i wouldn’t trade my sorrows. all of my hurts and pains have made me stronger, or more compassionate, more diligent, or more wise. all of my losses have made me grateful for what i do have, and hopeful that i can appreciate the beauty in life while it is in front of me, instead of worrying about what MIGHT happen, or focusing on the hardships.
and hopefully, as i focus more on the good than the bad, more of the good will come to me, and remind me of the wonder of life, in all its challenges.
still, i wish i could write some decent poetry when i’m NOT depressed
The sky darkened above me today, while I walked my walk through the streets. Clouds filled up like pregnant ladies and burst their bundles all over me, soaking me from head to toe.
I don’t mind. Walking through town in this rain is interesting, though. Streets normally full of traffic-rushing and lunch-getting are quiet and calm in the rain. Looking down the street there should be hundreds of cars headed my way, but instead there is a vast expanse of shiny asphalt, reflecting back lights and shimmering like a magical path in a fairy tale.
I smell toast as I pass the houses and cars; and coffee, and also some bagels wanting some cream cheese. I smell the delicious scent of earth and dirt, as I meander through Poncho Park. There is something sweet here – perhaps a sugary treat dropped by a child – dancing next to aromas of cigarettes and exhaust fumes. Warm concrete wet with new rain, and the touch of moist grass to top off the mixture.
I heard recently that the sense of smell is the weakest sense in humans. There are times (i/e: when working with the public) that I would appreciate a weaker smeller a great deal. I, however, have super smell, and can often identify a brand of perfume just from walking into a building, or the smell of an egg salad sandwich eaten six hours ago, but somehow still lingering about the lunchor.
This super power allows me to enjoy a million little things that go unnoticed by others: someone lighting a candle on a rainy day, perhaps to sit and read a good book by; the fresh laundry smell that squeezes through the house and brushes my nose with its clean, happy scent; and the smell of life, which seems to be toast and coffee for me – scents that say it’s time to get up and start another day. Live. Be alive. Go make something of this day.
i’m supposed to be working on my book today. for those of you who are frequent flyers here at accidental happiness airlines, you may recall that i am writing a book of memoirs. no? oh, well i did tell you, so you must have missed that blog. this was the weekend i intended to finish up the final editing; but life’s little lessons get in the way, and i see i must face some of my demons before i share them with the world.
Demon #1: Shyorcifel (also known as fear of intimacy)
i’ve been getting in touch with friends from my past, and i see that the vast majority of folk my age have spouses and children and homes. i began to scold myself today for not having a lover, and what is wrong with me, and all of that kind of thing. but i realized pretty quickly that the reason i am still single is that i never let anyone get close, and i never let men (or most of my friends for that matter) see the real me. it’s scary to think that you would hope in someone to love you on your worst day, with a big juicy zit on your nose, and no makeup on, walking around in yoga pants with holes in the ass, and then your supposed to trust that this person loves you when they’ve been around you at these times? when you’ve done something sinister or selfish? when you’ve told about your horrid past and how messed up you are? see, it’s easier to just never get to that level.
and that’s why i’m still single. so i have to wrestle with the intimacy demon and work out the kinks in my emotional vulnerability quotas.
Demon #2: Keeperoscipase (also known as Obssessive Hoarding)
ok, i’m not actually a hoarder. i lovingly refer to it as ‘being a Picker’. i collect. and while i love my books and papers and ephemera, my toys and clothes and crafts, i’m not going to be auditioning for “Hoarders” anytime soon. but – having watched my first episode today – i can see that i am made of the same fabric as these others. we are people who are afraid.
afraid of losing someone. afraid of letting go of the past. afraid of living in the now, and the uncertainties of life. afraid of forgetting something, or not having what we need, or throwing away something important or of value.
afraid of letting people in. afraid of looking deep inside. afraid of admitting we’ve been hurt, killed, beaten, worn down, abused, neglected and abandoned. afraid of being seen for what we are: weak, vulnerable, and hurting.
but hey! look at that. the entire human race is in this category. and while i might wash my hands too many times after tucking away another thirty copies of fiction titles i’ll never read, you might be socking down your thirteenth bottle of Labatts, or losing the use of your right arm due to a slip up with a bookie.
we’re all of us broken, wounded, beautiful creatures. and the fascinating part of life is watching each of us uncover the treasure beneath all the outer layerings of crap.
Today is a gigantic orgasm.
It’s October – in Michigan – and I’m wearing a tank top, with the windows open. The birds outside are hosting the first annual American Idol Avian competition, and everyone sounds pretty good so far. My wind chimes are the accompaniment and I’m not sure who the judges are, but if my vote counts, I’d have to pick the group of birds on the neighbors roof over the blue jay flying around.
Meanwhile, the cars drive by my house with their speedy shells racing along, kicking up leaves on the street, which dance in the wind for a while before landing on the damp ground again. It rained quite a bit last night and this morning, and the half rainy day is peaceful, relaxed and harmonious. For me. Right now. ‘Cause I’m on my couch writing and breathing and enjoying, and not out running errands or attending funerals or anything like that.
But I’m trying to learn to see the silver lining in everything, and when I’m looking at life through that lens, it seems there are so many treasures around me, I lose count of my blessings! Food in the fridge and in the cupboard – check. Body parts all accounted for and working – check. Heart full of hope and desire – check. Money in the bank – well, sixty cents is still money, so check.
Like I said; today is a big orgasm.
I’m happy to be me this morning. I could be making more money. I could be having more sex. I could have a bigger closet full of more fashionable clothing. I could have a more exciting social life, with parties, dancing, and weekend luncheons. But several times on my walk today, I stopped. Sure I was a little late getting out for my stroll, but when the trees started dumping their colorful bounty on me, I had to stop anyway, and take in the moment. And when I got to the “river” I had to stop for a while there as well, and marvel at the foamy, sparkly goodness of the water. And wonder to myself, “when did the word ‘diamond’ come into existence? and before then, how did we ever describe the breath taking beauty of the sun shimmering off the water?” (this is a dunder, which i’ve talked about in another blog) The water this morning looked like a glitter factory had exploded onto it, and I just had to giggle like a kid in a candy store. There was also a patchwork quilt of leaves at my feet, that made me feel like a fairy princess on her wedding day, picking her way through ribbons of color, eager to greet her groom at the end of the path. And while I didn’t have a groom on my path today (ok, at least so far…it’s only ten a.m., and you never really know what a day will bring in my life!) I did feel as giddy. I’m happy to be me. Happy that I have a life that allows me to stop for a moment and smell the flowers. (or wet earth, since it’s fall and most the flowers have faded ‘round here) Happy to have an eye for the magical and whimsical. Happy to be on a path in life that supports my heart’s desires. And while I wouldn’t mind having more money, or more sex (especially more sex) and more clothes, I wouldn’t want to switch places with anyone in the world. I’m happy with the place I’ve chosen, and happy with the me I am.
today my morning walk was magical. i don’t know if i have mentioned here how very much i love the rain, but i do. i will probably write a full blog just on that, but for today my concentration is on the continually refreshing experience that is my (almost) daily walk. on the way to my park, i swing through a cul de sac that i love, and there i found a truly unique treasure. i walked past a terminally falling leaf, suspended in air, like the slow moving bullets in the Matrix forever drifting toward the ground. it hung in the air like it was drawn there, by some great graphic novel artist who thought it looked best in mid air. on further examination i saw that it was hanging from a small spider strand, but it looked for all the world like a bit of confetti that never quite got to its destination. then came the park, and the litter on the ground. usually i hate littering, and i don‘t know why the fishers that come to this park can’t figure out how to clean up after themselves. bunch of lazies. but today, the mangled remnants of a red plastic Solo cup looked like rose petals, strewn about under the park bench in a ritualistic display, certainly intended for magical purposes. at this park i also came across a good looking, scruffy faced skateboarder, who would go perfectly with my sister…if only i’d remembered to bring my butterfly net, i could have scooped him up and carried him home with me. and then the fabulous fall of leaves that came tumbling down around me. it was like i was trapped in an autumn snow globe, that i guess would be called a leaf globe. it was beautiful, and charming, and completely whimsical. another happy moment in a curious life…