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denelle’s top 10 reasons for having sex

 

10. It’s a nice way to keep in touch:

Gosh, with all change in the world today, it seems like sometimes you have to make an extra effort to stay connected with your friends and cohorts. People change jobs, move to different locales, and break up and divorce all the time. No one wants to lose all their hard earned friends. Sex is DEFINITELY one way to keep your friends close!

9. It’s a perfect form of worship:

You say god, I say goddess. You say potato, I say French fries. Whatever or whoever you revere or honor, every great deity needs some worship and acknowledgement. Some appreciate sacrifices and libations as well. For me, the perfect form of worship involves sex. Bodies coming together to celebrate life, the world, the earth, and unity of people. I mean UNITY. So go ahead and sit in your pew with your hymnal if you like. Or, you could try my method of honorific studies, and hop in the sack when you need to pray real loud.

8. It’s a great way to stay warm:

This has been – hands down – the longest winter I’ve ever experienced. Granted, I live in Michigan, so extended winters are to be expected. But come on! Winter hits here in November, and by the end of April, when you are still seeing occasional snowflakes…well a girl gets a bit punchy. And cold! Enter the ever popular sex act. With the cost of life going up, and heating bills that stagger the allotted budgetary demands, a nice romp in the hay is the perfect way to stay warm while you’re waiting for spring to show up.

7. It’s an excellent way to be politically active:

You know the old hippie saying “Make Love, Not War”. If everyone was getting a little more, perhaps we would have less war, less crime, less…I don’t know…pollution? I can’t change the whole world, but I have determined that one way I can at least FEEL like I’m making a difference is SEX! I may not be picketing down at the Capitol, I may not be a part of Green Peace, but I can feel like I’m doing my part in active “not-making-of-war” by participating strenuously in the making-love part of the slogan. Being politically active has never been so fun!

6. It’s a healthy way to deal with anger:

People can be annoying. And irritating. And stoooopid. Some days it’s all you can do to keep from punching people in the kisser. And since you’re already thinking of putting something in someone’s kisser, why not turn to your sweetheart for a grumpy quickie? Venting out your anger in sex can make for a hot, passionate – albeit bruising – affair. So you get a little rug burn, or potentially a black eye. What’s a little pain between friends? Especially when it keeps you from overnight jail accommodations due to assaulting a stranger on the subway.

5. It’s an excellent form of exercise:

I may have accidentally put on a few pounds this winter. Not a lot of pounds. And maybe not even pounds, maybe I’m just more…huggable, less firm. So (as soon as it’s warm enough) I’m headed back to my walking routine. But in the meantime, how’s a girl to burn some extra calories so she can fit into her favorite hot skinny jeans? Yup! Sex to the rescue! Interestingly, in a male/female couple, both partners burn more calories if the woman is on top. And hey, I’m striving to tone up, so I gotta do my duty! Check out this chart for more …

http://calorielab.com/news/2008/02/12/calories-burned-during-sex/

 4. It’s the ideal recreational activity:

Bored? Get real. How can you be bored when there is someone next to you with all those nice body parts! I hate when people tell me they have nothing to do and life’s a bore. Or that they went on vacation and it was a big drag. Give me a break! You’re in Montreal, and your BORED!? Not happening. But ok, let’s say you are…let’s say you’re in Montreal, and there’s nothing to do because the whole city has gone to sleep. Or you’re out camping and it rains the whole time. Or you went to go zip lining and the instructor got sick with Sleeping Tiger Fever. (made that one up) Have some sex. It’s a great activity anytime, and it’s completely portable. You can take it with you to Disneyworld, the Bahamas, and even back yard barbecues. (check with your doctor about skydiving and snorkeling…I can’t be sure about those)

3. It’s helpful for cleaning off surfaces:

Come on, I’m an artist. I’m a writer, a crafter, a hobbyist, a Twilight Zone enthusiast, and a reader. I have too many projects and interests to spend any decent amount of time cleaning my house. Luckily for me, a nice bout of sex on the coffee table can clean off ALL my junk in one glorious swoop! Shove all that stuff on the floor and go at it! Look at that; my coffee table is cleared off! Try my method, it’s sure to be a hit. (granted, you have to pick all the stuff off the floor afterwards, but it’s blissfully easier to put away now!)

2. It’s a great exfoliant:

Seriously! You’ve never thought of that? What an excellent way to rejuvenate yourself, refresh your skin, and give yourself that “glow” of health. Sex is THE way to healthy skin; all that wonderful friction to slough off dead skin cells. Certainly a more entertaining way to revive your youthful appearance than an old facial mask.

1. It’s fashion forward:

Sex is THE one thing that goes with everything and NEVER goes out of style. All the cool people are doing it, and some of the important people too. Sex goes with food, fashion, music, movies, alcohol, and all sorts of other forms of entertainment. If I really have to give you ten reasons you should be having sex, you clearly haven’t had the right kind.

the dastardly dentist of Creepyville

 

How do you know when your dentist is really a serial killer in disguise? Let me give you some good hints, just so you can be wary.

On my daily walk I pass by a dentist’s office. The lawn has little tiny flowers growing in the bushes, and the building is sitting right next to a house I am fond of. It took me a while to finally suspect that this dentist is actually a murderer. But here, for the first time, I reveal his villainy.

The sign on the front of the dentist’s office has a terribly arcane and intriguing symbol. I’m sure if I asked the dentist he would explain it away by saying it’s an old ancient Greek symbol for healing arts, and health, and that kind of poppycock. But I know it to be a recognizable and familiar symbol to flag other murderers in the area. “Hey guys, I have wicked tools and a dark and moldy basement here. Want to come play sometime?” That’s what the symbol REALLY means.

This symbol is painted on a sign which sits in front of the entrance to the building. Being a considerate kind of mass murderer, and an equal opportunity one at that, the dentist has installed handicap accessible ramps to his office. Because it’s not bad enough that he wants to maim and torture small children and the elderly. He wants to get the handicapped and other-abled involved as well. Like I said, considerate.

The cement walkway has two large cigarette receptacles on either side of the raised path ramp. The tall, white monstrosities are shaped like giant pawns that belong on a chessboard. Oh sure, you can say that he doesn’t want people tossing their cigarette butts all over his parking lot. But I recognize the symbolism here; he is clearly expressing to the world that it is all a game to him, life is a game, and he is the mastermind. Everyone is but a pawn, and he the player who decides which patients live, and which patients are good for the black market trade of kidneys, livers and hearts. Being a dentist and all, he should probably be discouraging people from smoking anyway. But the smoking may lead to more problems of the mouth and gums, and maybe that’s what he’s hoping for.

The walkway itself is partially shrouded beneath a tarp-like overhanging. The normal, unaware person might think the dentist is being thoughtful, trying to keep his patients comfortable during a rainy day, or protected from a sudden gust of wind. To the untrained eye this might seem perfectly reasonable. To a sleuth like me, however, suspicion is raised once again. Why does this overhanging look so menacing? They used to call Jack the Ripper “leather apron” before he gave himself the Ripper title. It was suggested that the Ripper was a butcher, and wore a leather apron. The dentist’s awning looks mysteriously similar to a leather apron, as though it might be made of faux leather, or, in fact, real skin! It wrinkles like skin would, here and there around the poles it is tied to, only I imagine it is waterproof, so you can rinse it down if arterial spatter should get all over it. The sides of the awning are stitched together in a creepy, laced up fashion, like you might find on a nice lamp in a proper serial killer’s home, where they have pieced together furniture out of various victims. And the awning just happens to be the color of old blood. Hmmm. Creepy, Creepy, Creepy.

Finally, if I haven’t convinced you by now, my last two pieces of evidence. While walking one day, on a Saturday, you know, when doctors and dentists should be out golfing, spending all their riches on the grassy knolls, I spy the dentist coming out of a side door in his building. He creeps out of the door, which opens out to the parking lot. Interesting, what is he doing inside today, when there are no cars in the lot? He obviously has no real client to work on…so why is he dressed thus? He is covered in a giant, white apron, and seems to be wearing gloves, while at the same time smoking a cigarette. Is this a protective apron for his trade? Because yes, teeth cleaning is gross, and yes, plaque is disgusting, but does it fly around so much that you need to be in HAZMAT gear from head to shin? This vision arouses my curiosity, and during my daily walk I vow to watch the dentist more closely. Interestingly enough, this very week I heard crazed, manic, wild music coming from somewhere in the vicinity of the dentist’s office. Was it he, the mass tooth murderer who was playing the diabolical music to cover up the screams of his victims? Is he even now busy at work, dismembering limbs from a scheduled root canal gone wrong? How long will he get away with his dastardly deeds? Stay tuned to find out if the dentist is scurried away by the bobbies of the town, or if he eludes the long arm of the law…