Today my computer yelled at me.
Well, more accurately, Facebook yelled at me. Funny how guilty you can feel after a scolding from an inanimate object run by electrical impulses sent through a system of mysterious, invisible, mathematical equations. (is the internet alien-based? hmmm….that’s a blog for another day)
I play a stupid, addicting cooking game on Facebook, and we used to be able to add friends willy-nilly. Which is great, because this game is ridiculous and you have to bug everyone you’ve ever met in your life to advance at all. Complete strangers are helpful in these quests; they don’t know you from Adam, but don’t care – they’ll send whatever parts you need so long as it helps them down the line.
But Facebook has changed a ‘friending’ policy, so that you can’t send friend requests to people you don’t already know, or know friends of. (this blog is getting confusing; are you with me here?) Which is great, really, because I feel more hopeful about the stalker I tried to block, and the chance that he might not be a bother again. (although technically I still work with him, so I guess this won’t help overall)
Well I failed to read all the fine print of the updated ‘friend/not friend’ prviacy policy, and I got a note that the Facebook gods were scornful of me and needed some kind of blood sacrifice, or a gigabyte of cheese pizza or something. Yeesh… make me feel guilty for playing your damn game, why don’t you! So, I’m sorry person I upset by sending you a note that you could have easily just said “NO” to. And I’m sorry Facebook, that I upset your delicate structure and offended your new and improved policies.
Whew…getting in trouble by strangers and the World Wide controller of all thoughts is hard work, and tiring. I better go lie down.
a big thank you to my dear friend Tony, who just showed me an amazing amount of love and encouragement. i just came out to him as a multiple, and his first reaction wasn’t awkwardness or the icky face. and he didn’t do what another friend did to me recently, which was to say “let me process this and i’ll get back to you” and then i haven’t heard from them since.
i’ve told a number of people now, about my diagnosis, and the reactions are all different. but surprisingly, not many people have straight up shunned me. but Tony was i think the first to just jump into the deep end and start asking questions: when was i diagnosed, how many of me are there, do they all have names, or something like that. and all really good questions, which makes me wonder: why are you working with computers, when you have a really obvious knack for dealing with crazy people?
when dealing with old wounds and injuries, prying them open to expose to the public on a blog is cathartic, therapeutic, if not a little strange. but it’s freeing in it’s anononymity. opening up these issues to family and friends is more dangerous. there is a greater degree of rejection immediately at hand. will my family still love me? will my friends accept me? who can handle the truth, and who will run from this information?
well, Tony, whom i’ve known since i was maybe 10 or so, was supportive, loving, and interested in my story. and i can’t ask for more from a friend.
all in all, a good day
ok, let me clarify. actually i AM severly addicted to Coca~Cola – liquid of the gods! but i do not do cocaine.
we are having this conversation because a co-worker the other day suspected me of cocaine useage. a rather creepy person came into the ‘shop’ and freaked me out a bit, and i got pretty hyper and bouncy afterwards. it’s a sort of manic phase i go into when confronted with serial child abductors or murderers and their ilk. so i was bouncing around, trying to deflect my “ewwww” factor, and my co-worker looked at me funny.
as if he had the right! he’s from Alabama, accosting Michigan ears with his cute twangy drawl. (i’m from LA…the Michigan accent is very VERY different from both) anyway, i suffer from allergies and was wiggling my nose alot that day, so combined with my hyperactivity, he was fairly convinced i was a coke-head. i tried to straighten it all out, and told him no, i’m really just crazy instead, and i think we got it cleared up.
but i thought i’d put it on the record…opiate addictions? certainly. alcohol? yes please. cocaine? not at all…
so those of you who have been reading my post may already know about “Poncho”.
when i walk in the mornings Poncho is in the first park i come to.
when Poncho was first planted, i was worried he wouldn’t make it through the winter. i suppose that was silly, but he looked so small compared to all the other trees in the park, and he was just a baby! so i sat with him one day and talked to him, and circled him with something, i don’t remember what. stones? acorns? flowers? i spread something in a circle around him, like Linus puts his blanket around the Christmas tree in the Charlie Brown Christmas episode.
and now he’s the cutest tree ever! look at those eyes! how does a tree grow eyes like this? he looks like one of the characters from the movie 9!!
anyway, i wanted to share his pictures, ‘cause he’s so handsome.
i’m in the cafe today. just sitting here thinking, remembering, pondering. having to pee.
i guess right now in my life i’m trying to understand how the world works.
i’m not really used to people seeing me. seeing the real me. recently – well, in the past six or eight months, i’ve reconnected with some old friends out of my past. good old Facebook. i’ve always been the kind of person that sort of cuts and runs. i’m friends with someone for a while, and then i move on.
not because i don’t like people. which is sometimes true of me.
not because i don’t want to be close to people. which is also sometimes true of me.
but because i’ve always assumed i was too much for people. for everyone. for someone.
i was too much for my mother growing up. too much for her to handle, or love in a way that felt love-ish. i was maybe too loud, or too emotional, or too colorful. maybe i needed too much, or felt too strongly about life.
so i’m sort of used to hovering out on the edge of the world, and looking in at things from a distant view. i sort of keep people at a distance, and love them, but don’t ever really let them see the real me. because i know what they’ll see…i know what they’ll discover. that they can’t handle me. that’s what has always been true, and what i’ve always believed.
until now. these old friends have cropped up in my life, and they seem to remember the real me. it seems they were in touch with this dark side of me i like to pretend no one notices. this dark child that likes to cut herself, or stay out in the city all night, or tempt the fates to keep her alive. this girl that has an attitude, and carries herself as though she were a weapon, and not a person. here i thought i was fooling everyone, i spent all this time trying to look like a normal person, but i guess my dark innards just oozed out anyway.
which is awesome. because these people still seem to want to be my friends. and now i’m kind of thinking, hey, maybe i don’t always have to be on the outside looking in. maybe i can actually just be me for a change, and maybe, just maybe there are people out there that can actually handle me. huh. that’s a novelty.