i’m dealing in the dark right now. that’s not to say i’m selling drugs. or that when i shuffle my hands i have all the lights out. no, i’m just coming face to face with some of my ‘evil twin’ issues.
we all have a darker side; a darker nature. it’s not always hard for me to look at, because i don’t mind having tattoos, fetishes, and an odd sense of art and beauty. but when my failures, short comings and neurosis are exposed to others without me INTENDING that to happen – well, that gets a little embarrassing.
i guess i’ve had OCD since i was little. second grade for sure. one year i kept a pumpkin in my room after Halloween, i guess because i liked his crooked grin. i’ve always liked Halloween the most (except for those few years in LA when i thought it might be more useful to pray for children being abducted and sacrificed in Satanic rituals rather than hand out sugary treats. hey, not all my personalities are completely rational). anyway, my little pumpkin grinned at me, with his crooked impish smile day after day. and then his smile got more impish and crooked, cause he started deteriorating.
i didn’t know anything about composting and biological decay, so one day i lifted his head up, to look inside. a head full of black, spider-webby growth looked up at me and made me crazy. dark ickies, growing right inside my room; creepy, stinky moss stuff sending pores of poison into my nostrils. OCD!!! i mean, there are many other reasons i am OCD, which might get covered later.
anyway, i’ve known i’m this way for a while, but i usually try to find jobs and situations that HELP me manage my condition. have a routine. work at the same desk. have a consistent schedule. but now – because of circumstances out of my control – i’m working in an environment that is forever changing and completely unpredictable. it is chaotic, busy, and rapid response is needed all the time. it’s not that i’m not smart enough to handle the pressure…i just have a way of doing things that minimizes my stress reactors and freak out responses. and i have no real set way of dealing with these things in my current position and situation, so my OCD becomes very apparent, even to those who don’t work with me.
this is embarrassing. i feel like an idiot when people notice and comment that i’m doing the same thing over again, or i got confused about what to do next because they messed up my piles of stuff. i feel exposed and naked when someone notices that i have re-packed a box of books and materials because i didn’t like the way they fit into the container, and i think i could get more in there if i rearranged things. and it’s really embarrassing when i freak out over something stupid and meaningless because i am tender, sensitive and uncertain about my lovability.
it’s embarrassing being me sometimes.
i mean, it’s wonderful and fascinating as well.
colorful and magical. it’s exhilarating, curious, fun, and
hmmmm…now, why was i embarrassed again?