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accidental happiness ~ stardate: 08-12-2011

someone recently commented that i should write more on here.  and since i take requests, here i am.

i agree i need to post more often.  unfortunately for a while my laptop charger was down, so my little fingers had no ability to translate for my brain.  i don’t know if this ‘requester’ was legit; could have been a spammer wanting to draw me to their site to buy something i really need, like gaskets.  but just in case, here is my new post:

my sister and i had an accidental happy day yesterday.  we were both able to buy two pairs of glasses for like 60.00 each, which is crazy.  okay, mine were more like 80.00 each, but regardless, we got an excellent bargain for new specs, and it made us feel squeezy and happy all day. 

and who doesn’t like a cute, quirky librarian who wears fun glasses?  so yay me!  (although technically i’m not a librarian, i just work in a library…does that ruin that whole “naughty librarian” fantasy, cause i’m just a clerk?  dang!)

anyway, i love my new specs and can’t wait to wear them (coming in about a week)

add to that my joyous shipment of Twilight Zone toys this week, and things couldn’t be much better! (unless i had a man in my life and was getting laid!!!)

nuff said; the bargain gods be praised!

denelle’s top 10 reasons for having sex

 

10. It’s a nice way to keep in touch:

Gosh, with all change in the world today, it seems like sometimes you have to make an extra effort to stay connected with your friends and cohorts. People change jobs, move to different locales, and break up and divorce all the time. No one wants to lose all their hard earned friends. Sex is DEFINITELY one way to keep your friends close!

9. It’s a perfect form of worship:

You say god, I say goddess. You say potato, I say French fries. Whatever or whoever you revere or honor, every great deity needs some worship and acknowledgement. Some appreciate sacrifices and libations as well. For me, the perfect form of worship involves sex. Bodies coming together to celebrate life, the world, the earth, and unity of people. I mean UNITY. So go ahead and sit in your pew with your hymnal if you like. Or, you could try my method of honorific studies, and hop in the sack when you need to pray real loud.

8. It’s a great way to stay warm:

This has been – hands down – the longest winter I’ve ever experienced. Granted, I live in Michigan, so extended winters are to be expected. But come on! Winter hits here in November, and by the end of April, when you are still seeing occasional snowflakes…well a girl gets a bit punchy. And cold! Enter the ever popular sex act. With the cost of life going up, and heating bills that stagger the allotted budgetary demands, a nice romp in the hay is the perfect way to stay warm while you’re waiting for spring to show up.

7. It’s an excellent way to be politically active:

You know the old hippie saying “Make Love, Not War”. If everyone was getting a little more, perhaps we would have less war, less crime, less…I don’t know…pollution? I can’t change the whole world, but I have determined that one way I can at least FEEL like I’m making a difference is SEX! I may not be picketing down at the Capitol, I may not be a part of Green Peace, but I can feel like I’m doing my part in active “not-making-of-war” by participating strenuously in the making-love part of the slogan. Being politically active has never been so fun!

6. It’s a healthy way to deal with anger:

People can be annoying. And irritating. And stoooopid. Some days it’s all you can do to keep from punching people in the kisser. And since you’re already thinking of putting something in someone’s kisser, why not turn to your sweetheart for a grumpy quickie? Venting out your anger in sex can make for a hot, passionate – albeit bruising – affair. So you get a little rug burn, or potentially a black eye. What’s a little pain between friends? Especially when it keeps you from overnight jail accommodations due to assaulting a stranger on the subway.

5. It’s an excellent form of exercise:

I may have accidentally put on a few pounds this winter. Not a lot of pounds. And maybe not even pounds, maybe I’m just more…huggable, less firm. So (as soon as it’s warm enough) I’m headed back to my walking routine. But in the meantime, how’s a girl to burn some extra calories so she can fit into her favorite hot skinny jeans? Yup! Sex to the rescue! Interestingly, in a male/female couple, both partners burn more calories if the woman is on top. And hey, I’m striving to tone up, so I gotta do my duty! Check out this chart for more …

http://calorielab.com/news/2008/02/12/calories-burned-during-sex/

 4. It’s the ideal recreational activity:

Bored? Get real. How can you be bored when there is someone next to you with all those nice body parts! I hate when people tell me they have nothing to do and life’s a bore. Or that they went on vacation and it was a big drag. Give me a break! You’re in Montreal, and your BORED!? Not happening. But ok, let’s say you are…let’s say you’re in Montreal, and there’s nothing to do because the whole city has gone to sleep. Or you’re out camping and it rains the whole time. Or you went to go zip lining and the instructor got sick with Sleeping Tiger Fever. (made that one up) Have some sex. It’s a great activity anytime, and it’s completely portable. You can take it with you to Disneyworld, the Bahamas, and even back yard barbecues. (check with your doctor about skydiving and snorkeling…I can’t be sure about those)

3. It’s helpful for cleaning off surfaces:

Come on, I’m an artist. I’m a writer, a crafter, a hobbyist, a Twilight Zone enthusiast, and a reader. I have too many projects and interests to spend any decent amount of time cleaning my house. Luckily for me, a nice bout of sex on the coffee table can clean off ALL my junk in one glorious swoop! Shove all that stuff on the floor and go at it! Look at that; my coffee table is cleared off! Try my method, it’s sure to be a hit. (granted, you have to pick all the stuff off the floor afterwards, but it’s blissfully easier to put away now!)

2. It’s a great exfoliant:

Seriously! You’ve never thought of that? What an excellent way to rejuvenate yourself, refresh your skin, and give yourself that “glow” of health. Sex is THE way to healthy skin; all that wonderful friction to slough off dead skin cells. Certainly a more entertaining way to revive your youthful appearance than an old facial mask.

1. It’s fashion forward:

Sex is THE one thing that goes with everything and NEVER goes out of style. All the cool people are doing it, and some of the important people too. Sex goes with food, fashion, music, movies, alcohol, and all sorts of other forms of entertainment. If I really have to give you ten reasons you should be having sex, you clearly haven’t had the right kind.

the eyebrow arch nemesis

 

I love that men are apparently attracted to me, despite my atrocious eyebrows. 

It just goes to show that fashion experts and the makeup industry don’t always count on the sheer force of phermones and the male libido.  They’d like us to believe that we have to have the perfect skin, the perfect nose, the slenderest figure and the most fashionable wardrobe.  And you should smell intoxicating and also have minty fresh breath.  Oh, and also perfect eyebrows, that should go from the inner corner of your eye to the other outer corner, and be perfectly shaped, and arch just so.

Screw you.  Mine won’t do that.

Look, I’ve tried;  I’ve tweezed, and plucked, and individually yanked out eyebrow hairs for years.  Well, the yanking part is usually when I’ve gotten nervous about something, and I’m on the phone and distracted and suddenly feel a “stray” eyebrow hair, so I manically start sending my brows to the nudist colony.  But hey, I’m OCD – it comes with the territory sometimes.

I’ve had a perpetual struggle with my eyebrows.  At age seventeen, I clocked myself a good one and forever altered the existence of the perfect brow.  I had a fabulous loft back then, and climbed a little ladder morning and night to reach my Princess and the Pea type bed.  LOVED IT!   However, one morning – far too early for a teenager – my alarm went off and startled me awake.  I didn’t usually get up THIS early, so my body wasn’t accustomed to the shocking beeps of the annoying alarm I kept on a ledge under my loft.  I also didn’t usually leave my closet door open at night (monsters, you know), but I did that night, and when I went to turn off my alarm – WHAM! – right into the top edge of the closet door.  That smack woke me up for sure.  It also gave me a Rocky Balboa split eye with the blood to match, PLUS a shiner that actually would have matched my cheerleading outfit really well, since our colors were purple and gold.  But this was basketball season and we were wearing the dreaded white uniforms (WHITE?  on a pasty white chick in the middle of winter?  who comes up with these ideas??)

Anyway, since then my right eyebrow has been an arch nemesis.  ha ha.  The small scar I have in the eyebrow might not be noticeable if it weren’t for the fact that the hairs around the scar all seem to have lost direction.  They’ve been drunk for years, all going the wrong way and giving my brow a sort of Einsteinian hairdo.  Taming them is impossible, and making them look presentable takes effort, will and sometimes imagination. 

And yet, despite my wonky, devil-may-care eyebrows, men still seem to find me attractive and sexy.   I suppose the double D’s might help, and the big blue eyes and pouty lips.  But I’m just pointing out here, eyebrows are not the answer.  Those skinny snakes from the 20’s and 30’s that were penciled in razor thin.  The full wild eighties brows, sans tweezers.  Straight eyebrows, curved, arched, bent, waxed, trimmed or colored.  It doesn’t matter.  I’d like to postulate that there are very few women who could entice a man with her eyebrows alone.  Mata Hari, maybe.  And probably Sophia Loren.  Though Loren could certainly lure a man with simply the exotic smell of her belly button lint, if that’s what she chose to use.  Vixen, that one.  But there is more to sex appeal than the perfect brow.  And while I don’t know what the magic answer is to feeling beautiful daily and getting the man you want, I do know that it involves more than a tiny pair of pliers.