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kudos to me

Kudos to me today!

i was on Facebook (because it is some time of some day and that’s usually where i am) and someone i know and love put up this quote:    don’t tell me the sky is the limit when there are foot prints on the moon.unknown

which is so cute and cool, because this is a teenager, and she is testing her wings and learning about limits, and non limits and how to be beautiful and fierce and loving at the same time.  and it is such a cool quote!

and Kudos To Me, because my first reaction was to say have you ever wondered why they don’t say FEETPRINTS?  because FEET is the accurate pluralization of FOOT, and there was more than one FOOT up on the moon.  and besides that, i don’t think after all this time there would even still BE feet prints, or foot prints, especially with little robot things that roll around up there, maybe sweeping up after everyone like the little robot on the Jetsons.

but i DIDN’T say any of this, and so deserve kudos or the “restrained-your-bitch-reflex” of the day award.

from somebody's tumblr and originally c. in the 70's or something

from somebody’s tumblr and originally c. in the 70’s or something, Hanna Barbara?

Minor Rebellion ~ THE DARK LORD

I once had a conversation with someone about creationism versus evolution.  We were friends, and a group of us got into this discussion, about how God created the world and everything in the extended universes in one week.  And how evolution was a made up theory to disprove God.  But my question was:  we don’t know for sure that God didn’t CREATE evolution.  What if he wound the clock and set things in motion – sure in your one week – and then let things evolve from there.  Why can’t BOTH realities be reality.  This caused quite a stir in my group, for it was a group of Christian friends, and I quickly became aware of what time it was and a forgotten hair appointment I suddenly needed to keep.

But what I didn’t argue with them about was my secret opinion that God didn’t actually create EVERYTHING in existence.  Sorry, everyone is entitled to their own opinions, and this is mine:

There are some things that I definitely attribute to Satan, and a few that can be found on the list are as follows:

  • Zits in weird places.  OK, maybe God invented zits – for some sort of weird, ugly, painful purification process.  But zits in the EAR?  Definitely a design of Satan
  • Any city in the world that is without a Taco Bell or Jimmy John’s.  These are favorite locations of Old Scratch and possibly demon controlled by the under lord himself, or one of his many minions
  • Hyenas.  Do I really need to go into this?  Scarrrry!
  • LOTTO tickets that have your winning numbers inverted, like a winning “24” instead of your chosen and meaningful 42, which represents the number of times you have broken a small appliance when you got a mixed up LOTTO ticket.  I guess maybe if God was having a bad week this could be attributed to Him as some practical joke, but usually this kind of thing is straight out of the think tank in Hell
  • Facebook’s add column.  This is way too creepy to be from God.  As soon as you search anything on the net, you suddenly have 75% off adds from THESE VERY PLACES, listed right there on the side of your very admirable trouncing of other competitors who think they can beat you in Candy Crush Saga
of the Devil??

of the Devil??

other Satanic creations will follow eventually…

two cents

i’m in America; the elections are over, and after arguments, debates and ballots have been cast, i still feel the wake of it all.    i’ve read a lot of comments on gay issues on people’s ‘social media’ sites recently – twitter, facebook, etc.  – as well as doom and gloom from people who are unhappy about the outcome of the election.  i feel the need to press my two cents into cyber space, for some reason i can never explain.

this is mostly about gay issues, prompted by conversations and opinions from various people on a friend’s wall;

i am a liberal Democrat, if you must know, and voted accordingly.  i support same sex marriage, as well as a woman’s right to choose abortion.  having said that, i also support opposite sex marriage, and a woman’s right to choose NOT to abort.

America isn’t about homosexuality, or religion, or health care for everyone, or abortion.  America is about FREEDOM.

a few years back i stopped going to a restaurant i consider to have excellent quality foods and service, and completely delicious dishes.  why?  well the owners are Christians. but that isn’t WHY.  i stopped going because the owners blatantly promote their religion.  there is a huge electric sign that stands in front of the restaurant glaring at me and quoting me Bible verses that are supposed to make me want to convert or confess.  there are Bible verses on the menu, and a cardboard box on the counter for prayer requests.

i don’t have anything against all of these things in particular; praying for others is awesome, and having a guideline to follow in life is both helpful and respectable.   i DO have a problem with trying to come in for a meal and being bombarded with someone else’s religious leanings.  if i wanted to get a good dose of guilting i could go to church; what i really want is the big summer salad with extra cheese and nuts, and a side of that Amish bread please.

but all this is true on the OTHER side of the coin.  if i go into a coffee shop for a latte, i want a latte.  i don’t want someone to shove their views of gay marriage down my throat.  i am FOR gay marriage, but the appropriate place for this kind of discussion is NOT in a coffee shop through signs, or clothing messages, or cupcakes named after famous gay people.

i’d like to see things swing back to center slightly.  i’d like for people to remember what respect and freedom are about.  my right to support gay marriage is as equal as someone else’s right to OPPOSE gay marriage.  my decision to be a liberal is no better than someone else’s decision to be conservative.  we should have the FREEDOM to choose certain things in our lifetimes, but that necessitates that others have the SAME freedom to choose oppositely.  we all just need to grow up, stop name calling, and accept the fact that we will always have differing opinions; that is what makes us great; that is what makes us interesting; and the freedom to have these differing opinions is far more important than what the actual opinions boil down to.

 

nervous breakdown #673

well dang.  gave myself a minor breakdown today.

i sometimes wonder why i put up weird pictures on here, because i might like it, but really – not everyone has the same taste.  and i am well aware that i am on the “outer limits” of the norm, not only for my ‘condition’ but also for my taste, style, aesthetic…and humor.  oh, and outlook.  but i put up pictures none the less.  and Accidental Happiness # something or other- i’m glad i have!  i’ve started saving some of my pics on a new jump drive, cause i’m trying to get them organized.  there are some shots i deem “cooler” than others, and want to make prints of, to maybe sell at local shops in my area.  and FUCK IT if my brand new drive full of pictures didn’t say “corrupted” today when i slid it into it’s little home.  WTF???   i completely freaked out, then did the melting down thing, then cried.  lots of hours of work, and lots of anticipation fucked all over the globe.  but i did a little research and found that i’d squirreled away many of the pictures i wanted; on other drives, here, and on my facebook account.  (thank you facebook!)   i suppose now i should make hard copies as well as do the whole shutterfly and/or flickr thing, which i just keep putting off.

some pix i can’t find.  and i guess either i don’t need them, or they don’t want to be found, or i need to go make new ones.  but what a panic!  and i’m glad to have found the majority in other little places.  so, accidental happiness: 80% of pix recovered.  word to the wise: don’t skimp on jump drives and get the cheap ass ones on sale for 3.99 in a big barrel/bin at whatever office supply store is unloading them.  major suckage.

brilliant, beautiful and by god, just nice!

I recently contacted artist/photographer Marco Ribbe about a photo I saw recently.  I’ve been on “Pinterest” quite a lot recently, as I’m very visual and it’s a mecca for beautiful eye candy.  While “pinning” I saw a stunning piece of Ribbe’s that I immediately pinned.  However, I contacted him via email because – for some reason – I thought maybe I should check on the photos copyright, useage, etc.

Sure enough, there are litigation issues with that particular picture, and the photographer emailed me back immediately, hoping I would understand his position, which was that it would be best to not use the image at this time.  He was tremendously polite and gracious about the whole thing, and directed me to his facebook page suggesting I use another image of his.

This is a professional photographer!  Who does AMAZING work!  STEAMPUNK NO LESS!!!!

photo by Marco Ribbe

So, grateful that he even contacted me, and impressed by both his work and his professionalism, I wanted to share his website so you could all view his magic for yourself.  Happy feasting!!!

Marco Ribbe Photography

Dorito Choke-hold

so today my “fortune cookie” (Facebook app) says:  “Physical activity will improve your outlook”.  i’m thinking, “ok, ok, i need to work out” then popped a few more Doritos in my mouth.  mmm, “Jacked Enchilada Supreme”  whoa!!

well lo and behold, one of these darlings gets lodged in my throat, and i start pulling a George Bush, choking on my snack food!  gack!  i mean, this is hours later, after i’ve read the fortune cookie, but i’m choking, and my eyes are leaking like i’ve just seen a re-run of the Titanic (it upset me a great deal that all those people drowned) and there’s no one else here but me, and i can’t BREATHE!!  i seriously couldn’t even get air to go into my body because my windpipe was blocked.  i got pretty nervous!

and then after i calmed myself down and rearranged my throat (we call it “Roller Coaster”; you put your arms up over your head and somehow this opens up your pathway – works EVERY time i’m dying of Dorito) well i started feeling pretty good!

ok i looked like shit.  but the dark circles around my eyes are from something else, like staying up all night to finish reading the Hunger Games ending, Mockingjay.  but the crying face and red blotchy skin was definitely from Dorito choke hold.

thing is, i’ve been really grumpy lately.  or despondent may be a better word.  i have Multiple Personality Disorder, for those of you that don’t know, and while this makes life very interesting and somewhat humorous, i also get frustrated that i can’t seem to get anything done.  like housework.  or my writing projects.  because i will WANT to work on something – like working off my 15 winter pounds – but someone else in there would rather watch TV, make jewelry, or color.  so my projects take … well a little bit of a flexible time plan.  so i’ve been irritated at me, at my slow paced direction in life, and at situations like work.  i’ve been poopy britches and whiny…

and today, after the exciting adrenaline rush i had almost dying, well the world looks a little brighter.  thanks for showing me how to change my attitude, Mr. ex-President Bush.  (even though i didn’t vote for you and this wouldn’t make me change my mind, but thanks)

 

accidental happiness ~ first day of the new year

so today has been a fabulous kick off to 2012.

first we started off with a movie at midnight.  and margaritas.

then we watched football all day today, along with some Twilight Zone marathon

We also had fun with my friend’s new Facebook page.

http://www.facebook.com/pages/30-Day-Classic-TV-Challenge/213301222081272

this was fun to ponder all day.  along with enjoying more margaritas and some pizza.  today’s question was “Favorite All Time Classic TV Show”, which was easy for me, as i am obsessed with The Twilight Zone.  but Mark (my friend) has listed all the questions that you should answer each day, so we sat and tried to figure out what our answers will be this month.  very fun, very old school, very couch potato.  and fun to read everyone else’s answers.

if you have a Facebook account, hop on the page, or go to his other old school TV discussion page,

http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Marks-Classic-TV-Guide/152892888086161

minor rebellion ~ #6

Today my computer yelled at me.

Well, more accurately, Facebook yelled at me.  Funny how guilty you can feel after a scolding from an inanimate object run by electrical impulses sent through a system of mysterious, invisible, mathematical equations.  (is the internet alien-based?  hmmm….that’s a blog for another day)

I play a stupid, addicting cooking game on Facebook, and we used to be able to add friends willy-nilly.  Which is great, because this game is ridiculous and you have to bug everyone you’ve ever met in your life to advance at all.  Complete strangers are helpful in these quests; they don’t know you from Adam, but don’t care –  they’ll send whatever parts you need so long as it helps them down the line.

But Facebook has changed a ‘friending’ policy, so that you can’t send friend requests to people you don’t already know, or know friends of.  (this blog is getting confusing; are you with me here?)  Which is great, really, because I feel more hopeful about the stalker I tried to block, and the chance that he might not be a bother again.  (although technically I still work with him, so I guess this won’t help overall)

Well I failed to read all the fine print of the updated ‘friend/not friend’ prviacy policy, and I got a note that the Facebook gods were scornful of me and needed some kind of blood sacrifice, or a gigabyte of cheese pizza or something.  Yeesh… make me feel guilty for playing your damn game, why don’t you!  So, I’m sorry person I upset by sending you a note that you could have easily just said “NO” to.  And I’m sorry Facebook, that I upset your delicate structure and offended your new and improved policies.

Whew…getting in trouble by strangers and the World Wide controller of all thoughts is hard work, and tiring.  I better go lie down.

Accidental Happiness ~ the meaning of the Ghost Girl

Well today has been terribly interesting, and it’s only 8:30 am!

I’ve gone through a lot this morning, and I suppose I’ll start at the conclusion and work backwards:  I am a ghost.

Facebook is many things, but for me right now it has been validity.  I’ve had a number of people over the past year get in touch with me, and tell me how much I mean to them, and reach out to re-establish a friendship.  This has been wonderful and made me feel loved.

And confused.

I realize that having my situation – for those of you new to the Denelle-Experience, I have DID/MPD/aka: multiple personality disorder – might be difficult for people to deal with.  I have been very fortunate that the good majority of people I have come out to have been unphased by my declaration of insanity and have embraced me as the same old me I was yesterday, before they knew I was crazy.  But there is always that fringe element; the people who curl up their lips in distaste, the people who think I’m trying to be “special”, or the people who say “let me process that and I’ll get back to you” and then don’t get back to you.  But as I’ve said, I’ve been lucky most of the time.  And especially fortunate for these people that have come back into my life and said “I don’t care.  Have what you want, I still love you”.

And that’s the issue at hand for me;  grappling with this idea that people can love me regardless of my wonky eyebrows, or my love handles, or any of my other oddities.  Not because I think I am not lovable, but because I have trained myself to be invisible.

They say you establish your personality by the time you are five, and today my sister helped me understand why I so often feel like I’m invisble, or feel unloved even when people love me very much.   It’s because I trained myself to be a ghost.  Messages from my surroundings and actions from others bombarded me in my childhood, feeding me information that told me I was disposable, invisible, or ethereal.  Here are a few of those things:

my father left me in the mountains when i was 3 or 4.     my mother sent me away to Mexico when i was 8, without telling me why or if i would be coming back home.     i used to hear a song a lot as a kid that talked about Jesus, and how it’s too late for you, he left without you and “you’ve been left behind”.      my mother sent me to live with my godparents when i was having nervous breakdowns and was suicidal.     my uncle tried to kill me with an axe.      my mom used to leave us occassionally, when she’d had too much of our family, and i never knew if she would come back, which made me feel unimportant, and somehow invisible.     my father abandoned my family to go to another country and help them in a crises, meanwhile leaving us with no money, food or heat in the house.      i was missing in my sixth grade class picture-the year i started feeling strong and powerful and my own person-and there i was NO ONE and INVISIBLE not standing next to my best friend Mary, because i was mysteriously missing.  a ghost of a person, and it’s hard to take pictures of a ghost.        i lost my 7th grade year book full of signatures of all my friends that remembered me, had fun with me….almost as though that year never happened.

For a normal sane individual these things might not make you think you are a ghost.  You would say something like “shit, i hate it when i lose something” or “who keeps old yearbooks?”   For me, this is life.  My life.  This is how it has been for me since the dawn of my time; I seem to evaporate until no memory of me is left, and I was never there to begin with.  Sort of like the movie “The Butterfly Effect” which I won’t even link to because it upset me so much.

I have struggled with feeling like I had no particular place in life, in this world.  Detached.  Dissociated.  But my sis sort of brought that into perspective this morning, when I fretted about friends who loved or didn’t love or remember me.  We came to the conclusion that I am ghostly, and have ghostly work to do.  I have work to do between the worlds, between the realms of the living and dead, between the realities of possible and imagination, which to me are the same damn thing.  It’s become clear that all the things that happened in my formative years instructed me to be a ghost;  and so I must have been training myself in this field for some phantomly lifetime purpose. 

Either that or I’m just not very memorable.   I’ll stick with the ghost-mission.

a day in the life…

i haven’t gotten much done today.  today i was supposed to work on editing a chapter or two of my book, and pretty much the only thing i’ve accomplished so far today is taking a shower.   oh, and playing on facebook.

i’m part of a DID group on facebook, and it’s supportive, interesting, and also … weird.

today i was reading posts from people struggling with their condition, and some of them had altars (other personalities) writing, and talking in this weird child talk.  spelling all wonky, words and phrases making no sense, and i’m thinking “Jesus, you people are crazy”.  but as i read along in the thread, i had to sort of wake myself up.  because this is me.  they are talking about the things i go through and struggle with, and despite the fact that it does – in fact – sound completely crazy, it happens to also be reality.  it sounds so bizarre that people have little four year olds in their bodies, which always reminds me of the commercial for weight loss when i was a kid:  “inside every fat person there’s a skinny person dying to get out”.  creepy.

but it’s real.  i have a little one in there that will only growl at people, and someone who can’t stand up well and would rather just continually collapse to the floor, and certainly several that shouldn’t be operating machinery at work, let alone drive a car.  and Christ, then there’s trying to go to sleep at night…

“good night John Boy”    “good night Tiger”    “good night Scritchy”

“good night Nellie”    “good night Rocky”    “Jesus, would you people go to bed already?”