you know that old song “If you’re happy and you know it clap your hands. If you’re happy and you know it clap your hands. If you’re happy and you know it, then you’re face will really show it…lalalalalala”
i’m trying to think what that song would sound like if you’re an old, tired, grumpy, jaded person who doesn’t have the energy to clap or smile, and is really looking forward to something more like falling down in a dead drunk sleep and drooling all over the pillow while simultaneously avoiding alcohol poisoning by a hair.
haven’t quite come up with it yet, but i’ll let you know.
the last two days at work have kicked my butt. busy hours full of non-stop activity and frenetic energy. Wednesday night is usually a fun night at work because of the crew i’m with, yet this Wednesday was tense and exhausting. there was something looming in the air and i felt myself anticipating a fight in the lobby, a fire in the building, or at the very least a momentary lapse of server time on Facebook, which would make the customers and clients uber pissy. my friend and i both felt like long tailed cats in a room full of rocking chairs with fat people on them in the middle of a thunder storm. sketchy…
today was much the same; go, go, go. see denelle. denelle works hard. see denelle work hard. see denelle roll her eyes at the annoying customer in the lobby. go away, customer. see denelle whisper go away behind the customer’s back. bad denelle. you shouldn’t do that. see denelle flip the bird at whoever tells her she shouldn’t do that. now see denelle head home, excited about her favorite after school snack. can you say MARGARITA?
the accidental happiness part of today was after picking up my sis from work, and when we stopped to get gas. see, by then i’d used up all the rational juices in my brain and was working strictly off of the nine-year-old juices i have in storage. in other words; i got real little. too much people, too little sleep – suddenly i couldn’t drive anymore and was talking like a drunk elementary school child. Bodhi took the wheel. whew.
and while she was putting the pump hose into the car, i went in to pay for the gas. now, you know how gas stations usually are. unless you live in a hippy city where you all use bikes and group public transportation like trolleys. or Amigos. but most gas stations smell like this: gas. burnt hotdogs that are on some heat rotator. gross slices of greasy crap that is supposed to be pizza. old nacho cheese. bad coffee. whino. cigarette. if you’re lucky Kevin Smith. but not this station. as soon as you walk into this station, you take a deep whiff and smile. why? ‘cause they have giant monstrously sized incense sticks at their counter, 3/1.00! ‘butterfly garden’. ‘nag champa’. ‘vanilla’. loads of yummy flavors that infuse the whole building with a headshop vibe while you fill your car with expensive oils from dead, extinct animals at an outrageous economy killing price. awesome!
but getting to pick out three yummy flavors made me skip and dance (i was still about nine at this point you know) and i felt like i’d just picked flowers (this because they were so long and tall, and cause i was still about nine) and my little inside was so happy…well, when was the last time spending one dollar made you dance around and sing? yeah. so there’s my a.happy moment.
i wonder what the clerks were thinking?
I’m tired today.
My body feels like it’s forgotten to sleep for about forty years, and it’s finally realized this omission.
But my heart feels this way today as well. Like my heart is walking down a lonely, rainy street and spies something, and bends down to pick it up. My heart looks curiously at this newfound thing, but doesn’t seem to know what it is. My heart rolls this thing around in its hand, and it feels uncomfortable. It hurts. It’s sharp and painful. It makes my heart sad. My heart doesn’t know what this is, doesn’t recognize it, but puts this thing in its pocket and continues on its way, until it finds something else that makes it sad, and lonely, and confused.
And with pockets full of unknown sorrows, my heart continues its journey, crying as it goes.
Her job started up a project that she knew would be tedious, horrible, infuriating, stressful and time consuming. Not to mention mentally taxing and exhausting. So we popped some beers, and have been doing so since.
But Mercury went retrograde recently too. And although it just aligned itself (yesterday), for the last several weeks life has been a challenge. People arguing at work, miscommunication among the people who work and the people they are working for (or against). Unhappy, confused patrons who would rather yell than understand policy. It’s been a tense month.
Add to all of that the recent suicide threat that I went through last weekend, and am still going through now. Because what might have been a flippant comment from someone who needed a shoulder to cry on has now blown up into discussions with supervisors, heads of departments, and my own friends who I have to lean on when these kinds of things stress me out.
Because I don’t mean to get stressed out about things. God I’m creating my own little mantra and catch phrase just so I can remind myself NOT to worry so much. But I’m tender, you see. And despite my tough cookie outer shell, that is crunchy sweet with no calories, I’m really a big moosh pot inside. And I get all worked up when other people are involved in drama, trauma and despair and try to bring me in to the mess.
So today’s little surprise was truly welcome. Into my cubicle comes a young lady carrying a sort of suitcase and she says, “Would you like a sample from Jimmy John’s?” She’s offering me a teeny free sandwich. Surely she is unaware of the lousy week and month I’ve been having. Surely she is unaware of my tense frame of mind and my wishy washy mental state lately. Certainly she is unaware that food makes everything more fun for me, and here she is offering me a sandwich for no damn reason.
“Awesome!” I say, and eagerly consume the little buddy.
And while a teeny tiny sandwich may not right the downward spinning world, and won’t save the life of the person who might go ahead and kill herself, and won’t keep me from truly becoming an alcoholic by next month…it did brighten my day significantly. So thanks Jimmy John’s (I’ll be by soon!) for making a gloomy day brighter. You were definitely my Accidental Happiness of the week!
it’s getting harder and harder to hide
my dark secrets.
i run to my hidey-hole
and find it’s full.
i open the hidden door
and the skeletons start to fall into
the aisles of my life.
shoving them back in is hard work
and takes a toll on me.
must i find another spot to go?
all my caches
and secret passageways
are flowing over…
and while it’s hard to imagine
exposing it all to the light,
where else am i to put
now that the dam has burst
and there isn’t enough space in