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fishing from beyond

If I were to try to do something beyond the grave, it wouldn’t be fishing.  It would be something I love, like having sex, or watching Twilight Zones, or trying to eat other people’s food even though I’m dead and I really can’t enjoy the flavors anymore.  Fishing isn’t really my thing.  But apparently there is someone on my morning walk who is still trying to get his fly on.

Last year I noticed a fishing line, draped passionately over a telephone wire.  Of course, if you are the average, boxed-in type thinker, you will just assume someone got their line caught while casting off.  I’m sure that is frustrating.  I, however, immediately thought that someone had been called away to heaven, and despite the happiness one might have when realizing you are going UP instead of the other direction, this recently vacanted being wanted to hang on to his fishing pole and get in one last catch.

It seems he was successful in convincing the authorities that he should stay around a little bit longer, and guard the waters, or continue plucking fishies from their homes, whichever he is capable of in his newly ghostly state.  I’m calling him Fisherman Bill.  Here are some shots of him I think you’ll like:

young, stupid and beautiful

Beauty advice for the ingénue:

  1. never pluck your eyebrows when you are inebriated or stoned.  at best this results in the confusing “Whoopi Goldberg” look.  at worst, the result is distinctly “Rocky Balboa” with bloody eye sockets and scarred facial features.  not attractive.  could be highly dangerous.
  2. never color your hair while talking on the cell phone.  this is not only stupidly annoying, but could result in uneven patches of color and dropped calls.  put the stupid person on speakerphone, or just wait until you have ruined your hair, then call them crying.
  3. eyeliner is for your eyelids.  i know that’s not what the name implies, but it’s for the lids of your eyes, not your actual eyeball.  stick to the skin tissue.
  4. if you are going to do your makeup in such a way that you look like a plastic blow-up sex Barbie, at least try to lower your voice by an octave.  this will make it seem as though you are a trained sex worker, and not simply a stupid air headed bimbo. 
  5. powdering your nose can mean several things.  there is, of course, the actual powder that you apply to your nose, and other facial features.  however, this phrase can also be used to indicate that you have to use the ladies’ room, or ‘make a tinkle’.  be careful though; ‘powdering your nose’ may also be code for an unusual sex position, so use with caution and in the company of those you trust.

 

more tips to come after i consult the experts…