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Dorito Choke-hold

so today my “fortune cookie” (Facebook app) says:  “Physical activity will improve your outlook”.  i’m thinking, “ok, ok, i need to work out” then popped a few more Doritos in my mouth.  mmm, “Jacked Enchilada Supreme”  whoa!!

well lo and behold, one of these darlings gets lodged in my throat, and i start pulling a George Bush, choking on my snack food!  gack!  i mean, this is hours later, after i’ve read the fortune cookie, but i’m choking, and my eyes are leaking like i’ve just seen a re-run of the Titanic (it upset me a great deal that all those people drowned) and there’s no one else here but me, and i can’t BREATHE!!  i seriously couldn’t even get air to go into my body because my windpipe was blocked.  i got pretty nervous!

and then after i calmed myself down and rearranged my throat (we call it “Roller Coaster”; you put your arms up over your head and somehow this opens up your pathway – works EVERY time i’m dying of Dorito) well i started feeling pretty good!

ok i looked like shit.  but the dark circles around my eyes are from something else, like staying up all night to finish reading the Hunger Games ending, Mockingjay.  but the crying face and red blotchy skin was definitely from Dorito choke hold.

thing is, i’ve been really grumpy lately.  or despondent may be a better word.  i have Multiple Personality Disorder, for those of you that don’t know, and while this makes life very interesting and somewhat humorous, i also get frustrated that i can’t seem to get anything done.  like housework.  or my writing projects.  because i will WANT to work on something – like working off my 15 winter pounds – but someone else in there would rather watch TV, make jewelry, or color.  so my projects take … well a little bit of a flexible time plan.  so i’ve been irritated at me, at my slow paced direction in life, and at situations like work.  i’ve been poopy britches and whiny…

and today, after the exciting adrenaline rush i had almost dying, well the world looks a little brighter.  thanks for showing me how to change my attitude, Mr. ex-President Bush.  (even though i didn’t vote for you and this wouldn’t make me change my mind, but thanks)

 

fattest day of the week

it’s Fat Tuesday!  yay, time to suck down some sugar and lard in order to get ready for some serious self sacrifice!

the history of Fat Tuesday is shrouded in mystery:  did it originate with the Polish, who made too many Panczis one day, and decided on a random Tuesday to have a blow out sale?  was it initiated by the Pagan-cum-Christians, who were eager to fit into the church (so as not to be burned) but reluctant to set aside their partying ways?  or did it all really begin in New Orleans, spear-headed by some crafty politician that knew shiny beads, alcohol and sugary treats meant debauchery, drunkenness and increased tourism capital.

any way you look at it, kafillions of people observe Fat Tuesday before buckling down for the more strenuous Lent.  eat, drink and be merry today, for tomorrow we must not have chocolate.  or soda.  or smoking.  whatever your vice is.

i don’t think this is a bad thing.  i’m not against it in any way.  i’m also not a Christian (any longer) so i can choose to observe or not observe this time of year.  the thing that is interesting to me is the giving up of something for Lent.  i’ve heard of people giving up red meat, sugar, junk food and alcohol.  i’ve heard people say they are going to give up Facebook for Lent.  how is this really honoring Christ’s sacrifice?  i mean, if he goes for a month without food or water, he’s delusional and dehydrated, malnourished and exhausted, then crucified on a cross for not doing anything wrong, how does giving up french fries equate to that sacrifice?  is it really on the same playing field?  – hypothetical question, that.

instead of trying to make myself feel better for having indulgences and vices by ignoring them for a stretch of days, i’d rather try to incorporate new things in my life.  if, as Christians proclaim, Jesus came to give us life, and free us from sin, why are we spending all this time sacrificing something that won’t help anyone?  Jesus doesn’t need my soda.  or my damn good Taco flavored Doritos.  me offering them to him isn’t going to do him any good, or me.  it would just make me super cranky to not have my caffeine.  instead of focusing on what is bad in us and what should be expunged,  what if we all embraced life?  what if instead of focusing on my eating habits, i helped feed the poor?  what if instead of giving up time on the internet, i worked with Habitat for Humanity to get someone a new home?  what if i bought someone a cup of coffee instead of giving up my own?

it seems to me the world might be a brighter place if we spent more time helping one another – at ANY time of the year – rather than beating ourselves on the head for eating yummy foodstuffs.

dunders and such

 

Sometimes I’m hard on myself for my lack of memory. I feel weird or bad that I can’t seem to remember parts of my life, like almost all of third grade, or where we spent Christmases, or when I first had sex. But seriously, what is remembering anyway? I mean, literally, what does it mean to “remember? Re-member. Surely I’m not the only one to find this a strange word to describe trying to recall an event, idea or person.

Re-member them? Like, re-attach the body parts? Hi, I’m Denelle. We met once at a party. You may not re-member me, because it was the bodily-un-attaching party last year.

Not that it really matters in the big scheme of things, why ‘remember’ is what it is. But I wonder about it. My sister and I call these questions and ponderings of mine “Dunders”. For, like, “Denelle Wonders”. ‘Cause I come up with these kinds of weird questions on a pretty regular basis. I may start blogging my Dunders here…because – although they may drive readers crazy with annoyance (why does this wacky woman care about these inane things?) – the curiosity and thinking keeps my mind preoccupied for a while so I can eat half a bag of Doritos without realizing it.