the last two days at work have kicked my butt. busy hours full of non-stop activity and frenetic energy. Wednesday night is usually a fun night at work because of the crew i’m with, yet this Wednesday was tense and exhausting. there was something looming in the air and i felt myself anticipating a fight in the lobby, a fire in the building, or at the very least a momentary lapse of server time on Facebook, which would make the customers and clients uber pissy. my friend and i both felt like long tailed cats in a room full of rocking chairs with fat people on them in the middle of a thunder storm. sketchy…
today was much the same; go, go, go. see denelle. denelle works hard. see denelle work hard. see denelle roll her eyes at the annoying customer in the lobby. go away, customer. see denelle whisper go away behind the customer’s back. bad denelle. you shouldn’t do that. see denelle flip the bird at whoever tells her she shouldn’t do that. now see denelle head home, excited about her favorite after school snack. can you say MARGARITA?
the accidental happiness part of today was after picking up my sis from work, and when we stopped to get gas. see, by then i’d used up all the rational juices in my brain and was working strictly off of the nine-year-old juices i have in storage. in other words; i got real little. too much people, too little sleep – suddenly i couldn’t drive anymore and was talking like a drunk elementary school child. Bodhi took the wheel. whew.
and while she was putting the pump hose into the car, i went in to pay for the gas. now, you know how gas stations usually are. unless you live in a hippy city where you all use bikes and group public transportation like trolleys. or Amigos. but most gas stations smell like this: gas. burnt hotdogs that are on some heat rotator. gross slices of greasy crap that is supposed to be pizza. old nacho cheese. bad coffee. whino. cigarette. if you’re lucky Kevin Smith. but not this station. as soon as you walk into this station, you take a deep whiff and smile. why? ‘cause they have giant monstrously sized incense sticks at their counter, 3/1.00! ‘butterfly garden’. ‘nag champa’. ‘vanilla’. loads of yummy flavors that infuse the whole building with a headshop vibe while you fill your car with expensive oils from dead, extinct animals at an outrageous economy killing price. awesome!
but getting to pick out three yummy flavors made me skip and dance (i was still about nine at this point you know) and i felt like i’d just picked flowers (this because they were so long and tall, and cause i was still about nine) and my little inside was so happy…well, when was the last time spending one dollar made you dance around and sing? yeah. so there’s my a.happy moment.
i wonder what the clerks were thinking?
Today is a gigantic orgasm.
It’s October – in Michigan – and I’m wearing a tank top, with the windows open. The birds outside are hosting the first annual American Idol Avian competition, and everyone sounds pretty good so far. My wind chimes are the accompaniment and I’m not sure who the judges are, but if my vote counts, I’d have to pick the group of birds on the neighbors roof over the blue jay flying around.
Meanwhile, the cars drive by my house with their speedy shells racing along, kicking up leaves on the street, which dance in the wind for a while before landing on the damp ground again. It rained quite a bit last night and this morning, and the half rainy day is peaceful, relaxed and harmonious. For me. Right now. ‘Cause I’m on my couch writing and breathing and enjoying, and not out running errands or attending funerals or anything like that.
But I’m trying to learn to see the silver lining in everything, and when I’m looking at life through that lens, it seems there are so many treasures around me, I lose count of my blessings! Food in the fridge and in the cupboard – check. Body parts all accounted for and working – check. Heart full of hope and desire – check. Money in the bank – well, sixty cents is still money, so check.
Like I said; today is a big orgasm.
I’m happy to be me this morning. I could be making more money. I could be having more sex. I could have a bigger closet full of more fashionable clothing. I could have a more exciting social life, with parties, dancing, and weekend luncheons. But several times on my walk today, I stopped. Sure I was a little late getting out for my stroll, but when the trees started dumping their colorful bounty on me, I had to stop anyway, and take in the moment. And when I got to the “river” I had to stop for a while there as well, and marvel at the foamy, sparkly goodness of the water. And wonder to myself, “when did the word ‘diamond’ come into existence? and before then, how did we ever describe the breath taking beauty of the sun shimmering off the water?” (this is a dunder, which i’ve talked about in another blog) The water this morning looked like a glitter factory had exploded onto it, and I just had to giggle like a kid in a candy store. There was also a patchwork quilt of leaves at my feet, that made me feel like a fairy princess on her wedding day, picking her way through ribbons of color, eager to greet her groom at the end of the path. And while I didn’t have a groom on my path today (ok, at least so far…it’s only ten a.m., and you never really know what a day will bring in my life!) I did feel as giddy. I’m happy to be me. Happy that I have a life that allows me to stop for a moment and smell the flowers. (or wet earth, since it’s fall and most the flowers have faded ‘round here) Happy to have an eye for the magical and whimsical. Happy to be on a path in life that supports my heart’s desires. And while I wouldn’t mind having more money, or more sex (especially more sex) and more clothes, I wouldn’t want to switch places with anyone in the world. I’m happy with the place I’ve chosen, and happy with the me I am.