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the ghost in my head

Today I am a ghost.

I’ve realized this after writing an earlier blog (see below) and also talking to my sis.

 My ghost girl first showed up when I was about five.  I guess I could have been four, or maybe even three, I don’t know for sure.  We lived in the same apartments for maybe three years when I was that age, so the exact date is uncertain. 

 When the ghost first popped out I was in the laundry room.  My mother was doing laundry, and it was a pretty good sized facility, with lots of washers and dryers, and windows at one side of the building.  And the washers and dryers were all in the center of the room, leaving plenty of room to walk about, fold your clothes, sit and read a magazine.  I was running around one day, and ran and ran around the washers.  Like I was chasing something, or trying to run from a friend or sibling.  Or maybe I’d just had to much sugary cereal. 

 But there I was, running around in the laundry room; only I was really way up in the ceiling looking down.  Something had happened and part of me split out of the body.  And this part looked down at the child running around in circles, and said, “This isn’t me”.  This part felt sort of angelic, or ethereal, and looked down at the running child and thought of her as a puppet; a dolly.  “How is it that this dolly runs around when there is no one inside her?” the ghost wondered?  “It’s like she’s just a rag flitting around, with nothing to tell her how to move or where to go”.  But the child kept running. 

 The angel person felt funny.  It seemed somehow she was connected to the running dolly, but she couldn’t see how exactly.  It didn’t feel like someone she knew; it felt like a puppet, far away and impersonal.  It didn’t feel like it was the angel’s body; the angel was way up in the ceiling, looking down at the puppet-child with curiosity, and a little disdain.  Anyway, the angel didn’t think she belonged in a body.  She was pretty sure that she was connected to the running puppet, but it didn’t seem right for her to be in the body.  It seemed like it didn’t belong to her.  The angel thought maybe she had somehow done something horrible and stolen this body that really belonged to someone else, apparently the puppet child.  Clearly it didn’t come with her in it, because angels don’t have bodies, so how was she connected to it?  Eventually the angel realized she must not really be an angel, because angels don’t do bad things like steal bodies from little children so they can inhabit them for their own selves.  So the angel de-winged herself and decided she must just be a ghost.  Because she didn’t have much in the way of emotions.  And she didn’t feel like that body fit her very well.  And she didn’t seem to feel like anyone could see her or recognize that she was there.  Plus she was way up here on the ceiling, and no one else was doing that except ghosts.

 So the ghost girl was created.

 And she is invisible, and far away, and empty. 

She hangs on to the puppet child, and won’t let go, but is kind of empty about it, in a dead, ghosty kind of way.

She likes to fly out of the body altogether, and sail over houses in search of somewhere that sells Slurpees.

And she isn’t sure what to do with herself, or why she is around. 

But she’s been there almost from the beginning,

just … there.

mpd for dinner

having multiple personality disorder goes something like this:

let’s say you are a female, and you have twelve kids to feed at dinner time.

  1. one of the kids has stomach issues and can’t have anything too spicy
  2. one is allergic to everything
  3. one hates spaghetti because it made her throw up once
  4. one only ever wants to eat cereal
  5. one is afraid of eating anything that has gone past the expiration date printed on its container, and this means that she questions everything that comes out of the refrigerator trying to determine if you have checked the date or not, so she does not die of food poisoning
  6. one is on a hunger strike
  7. one doesn’t like the way you make the macaroni
  8. one is already in the kitchen working on dinner, because she thought you’d need a head start because you had a long day at work, so she’s already got things going, although she did manage to break a dish while she was at it
  9. one is planning on running away and having pizza for dinner anyway
  10. 10.  one is skipping straight to the ice cream course
  11. 11.  one can’t remember where the kitchen is and is afraid that everyone will eat without her and she will starve to death because she was forgotten
  12. 12.  one thinks this whole thing is a big drama and is just going to bed