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Dorito Choke-hold

so today my “fortune cookie” (Facebook app) says:  “Physical activity will improve your outlook”.  i’m thinking, “ok, ok, i need to work out” then popped a few more Doritos in my mouth.  mmm, “Jacked Enchilada Supreme”  whoa!!

well lo and behold, one of these darlings gets lodged in my throat, and i start pulling a George Bush, choking on my snack food!  gack!  i mean, this is hours later, after i’ve read the fortune cookie, but i’m choking, and my eyes are leaking like i’ve just seen a re-run of the Titanic (it upset me a great deal that all those people drowned) and there’s no one else here but me, and i can’t BREATHE!!  i seriously couldn’t even get air to go into my body because my windpipe was blocked.  i got pretty nervous!

and then after i calmed myself down and rearranged my throat (we call it “Roller Coaster”; you put your arms up over your head and somehow this opens up your pathway – works EVERY time i’m dying of Dorito) well i started feeling pretty good!

ok i looked like shit.  but the dark circles around my eyes are from something else, like staying up all night to finish reading the Hunger Games ending, Mockingjay.  but the crying face and red blotchy skin was definitely from Dorito choke hold.

thing is, i’ve been really grumpy lately.  or despondent may be a better word.  i have Multiple Personality Disorder, for those of you that don’t know, and while this makes life very interesting and somewhat humorous, i also get frustrated that i can’t seem to get anything done.  like housework.  or my writing projects.  because i will WANT to work on something – like working off my 15 winter pounds – but someone else in there would rather watch TV, make jewelry, or color.  so my projects take … well a little bit of a flexible time plan.  so i’ve been irritated at me, at my slow paced direction in life, and at situations like work.  i’ve been poopy britches and whiny…

and today, after the exciting adrenaline rush i had almost dying, well the world looks a little brighter.  thanks for showing me how to change my attitude, Mr. ex-President Bush.  (even though i didn’t vote for you and this wouldn’t make me change my mind, but thanks)



i don’t know what is going on with wordpress, but apparently i can only upload one image right now.  so here it is…

i love the way everything is at odds with each other, and yet best friends as well.  the sky looks cold and frigid (29 degrees yesterday when i took this) and yet pockets of light here and there make the sky seem hopeful, and like it is considering whether to allow the sun to show through.

the tree is practically barren; shedding all its leaves over the last few weeks has made it feel rather lonely.  and yet, the sassy, polka dot texture of the bark is almost giving a finger to winter, saying “i don’t care if it’s mind blowingly cold…i’m going to be cute anyway!”

The Perfect Body for Lovin’!


So today I’m out driving, heading toward my doctor’s office. I’m in a pretty good mood, because the sun is actually out, and I live in Michigan, for God’s sake. The sun shining on you is like finding a hundred dollar bill in your underwear drawer. Wait, that’s part of my Stripper Blog, disregard that.

I see this girl out jogging and thought to myself (because really, who else are you going to be thinking to?) “Wow, she’s got great legs”

And it must be that the guy in the car next to me thought this for a second as well, because he turned and looked at her. Now if you’ve been reading any of my blogs, you know that I’ve been dealing with body issues. Several years back I managed to “Super Size” myself, and since I’ve had the larger ‘goddess’ sized body, I’ve had issue with skinny young thangs. Although, to be perfectly honest, even when I was a skinny young thang myself, I still had body issues.

I’ve always believed I had to have the perfect body to be loved. Which sucks, because no one really has the perfect body. And while I have terrifically amazing boobs, and my legs are pretty damn great, I have the squishy belly and the eensy weensy ass. So for years and decades and forever, I’ve striven (is that really a word even?) to be perfect, or beautiful, or at least as skinny as a curvy girl like me can be. There are many and diverse reasons for why I have believed these things. Suffice it to say; it’s exhausting to try to measure up to a standard that you are clearly not built for.

I am human. I have flaws. I’m now finding that it is far more enjoyable to actually LIVE my life, than to try to be perfect for someone else’s enjoyment or entertainment. I know, I know, it seems like such a given. But hey, some of us are slow learners.

And today, when I saw this girl, I didn’t resent her youth and my almost-but-not-quite-middle-agedness. I didn’t resent her trim physique and my slightly-pudgier-than-I’d-like-to-be size. I just thought she was great, and I was great too.

And that’s when it hit me.

My “Accidental Happiness” of the month. Or week. Or however often those things jump out at you. Those unexpected truths.

All of these years I’ve thought I needed to be perfect, and have the perfect body so I could be loved. But in reality, I already have the perfect body to love WITH. I have a gloriously curvy self, that wants to wrap around my man, keep him warm at night, and take care of him in every way imaginable. I have a healthy body that can celebrate sex and the divine and intimacy, and instead of believing my beautiful body will bring love TO me, I can use the beautiful body I already have to give love to someone else.

And if love between two people isn’t the most beautiful of beautiful things…well, it seems I already have the perfect body for that.