i don’t know what is going on with wordpress, but apparently i can only upload one image right now. so here it is…
i love the way everything is at odds with each other, and yet best friends as well. the sky looks cold and frigid (29 degrees yesterday when i took this) and yet pockets of light here and there make the sky seem hopeful, and like it is considering whether to allow the sun to show through.
the tree is practically barren; shedding all its leaves over the last few weeks has made it feel rather lonely. and yet, the sassy, polka dot texture of the bark is almost giving a finger to winter, saying “i don’t care if it’s mind blowingly cold…i’m going to be cute anyway!”
So today I’m out driving, heading toward my doctor’s office. I’m in a pretty good mood, because the sun is actually out, and I live in Michigan, for God’s sake. The sun shining on you is like finding a hundred dollar bill in your underwear drawer. Wait, that’s part of my Stripper Blog, disregard that.
I see this girl out jogging and thought to myself (because really, who else are you going to be thinking to?) “Wow, she’s got great legs”
And it must be that the guy in the car next to me thought this for a second as well, because he turned and looked at her. Now if you’ve been reading any of my blogs, you know that I’ve been dealing with body issues. Several years back I managed to “Super Size” myself, and since I’ve had the larger ‘goddess’ sized body, I’ve had issue with skinny young thangs. Although, to be perfectly honest, even when I was a skinny young thang myself, I still had body issues.
I’ve always believed I had to have the perfect body to be loved. Which sucks, because no one really has the perfect body. And while I have terrifically amazing boobs, and my legs are pretty damn great, I have the squishy belly and the eensy weensy ass. So for years and decades and forever, I’ve striven (is that really a word even?) to be perfect, or beautiful, or at least as skinny as a curvy girl like me can be. There are many and diverse reasons for why I have believed these things. Suffice it to say; it’s exhausting to try to measure up to a standard that you are clearly not built for.
I am human. I have flaws. I’m now finding that it is far more enjoyable to actually LIVE my life, than to try to be perfect for someone else’s enjoyment or entertainment. I know, I know, it seems like such a given. But hey, some of us are slow learners.
And today, when I saw this girl, I didn’t resent her youth and my almost-but-not-quite-middle-agedness. I didn’t resent her trim physique and my slightly-pudgier-than-I’d-like-to-be size. I just thought she was great, and I was great too.
And that’s when it hit me.
My “Accidental Happiness” of the month. Or week. Or however often those things jump out at you. Those unexpected truths.
All of these years I’ve thought I needed to be perfect, and have the perfect body so I could be loved. But in reality, I already have the perfect body to love WITH. I have a gloriously curvy self, that wants to wrap around my man, keep him warm at night, and take care of him in every way imaginable. I have a healthy body that can celebrate sex and the divine and intimacy, and instead of believing my beautiful body will bring love TO me, I can use the beautiful body I already have to give love to someone else.
And if love between two people isn’t the most beautiful of beautiful things…well, it seems I already have the perfect body for that.