i just finished watching HBO’s “Captivated: The Trials of Pamela Smart” and my heart is heavy.
the film premiered in January at the Sundance Film Festival, and makes an amazingly poignant statement about our lives today; what the hell is the media doing to our brains?
OK that probably isn’t actually THEIR statement…but as you watch the documentary, it is amazingly clear that TRUTH is not really easily definable or discovered once the media decides the verdict of things ahead of time.
i found this documentary fascinating, and disheartening at the same time. i saw a documentary not long ago about the woman who spilled coffee on her lap at a drive through McDonald’s and sued for damages. i actually remember that situation, and how frustrated everyone was about the situation ~ what world are we living in when people can’t own up to their own mistakes? but the reality was quite different than people made it out to be. and once celebrities and comedians got their routine into the coffee bit, all of America had made a decision on what happened with the coffee and the lap; including me. “Own up to your own mistakes, people” i might have shouted. “we shouldn’t be a sue-happy culture!”
we shouldn’t be a lot of things that we are. one thing i’m pretty certain that we as people will never really get to is smart. we are too quick to judge when there is no information available to judge with. we are gullible and hopeful and biased. we have long records of wrongs done to us, and not a long enough list of goods we have done for others.
i feel flustered today; because it doesn’t really seem like anything ever changes. there is just a big bunch of good, bad and ugly. so what is my two cents worth in the long run? and what kind of stupid question is that anyway, ’cause nobody even uses cents anymore! cents are so worthless you can’t even find the symbol on a modern day computer or device!
* sigh *
so, there’s nothing left for me to do, but just keep on fighting. it doesn’t really feel like it is doing anything. but i can’t just roll over and give up. i may not be able to conquer the darkness of stupidity, ignorance, and cruelty; but i can at least try to spread the healing blanket of acceptance, love, and kindness.
beyond that much, i will just have to have a decent margarita or a really big scoop of ice cream.
Sometimes I worry that I have started my life too late.
I started loving too late, and have missed out on all the good love, standing in line waiting for the “right one”.
I started being too late, and spent most of my life in fear, hanging out against the wall, counting the flowers in the wall paper and muttering to myself that it is too cold to go outside and play, and maybe instead I’ll just stay in here by myself and watch another episode of The Twilight Zone that I can already quote by heart.
I started feeling too late, and tucked away most of the colorful crayons that draw pictures like love and passion and brilliance and creativity, and instead played with the grey chalks that sprinkled a dusty, feathery hue of aloneness all over the canvas of my life, leaving me solidly entrenched in the walls of my castle, where I could color by myself, in my little grey hues, day after day, and not have to worry about whether some boy could ever find me beautiful, or wonder about love, and why it makes my heart pound so hard, and makes my eyeballs a sprinkler system.
I started seeing too late, the world being a flat and cardboard life until one day it burst into 3-D in front of my face, and suddenly I was living in a pop-up book, where I began to realize I was actually IN the story, not just reading about someone else. This is ME in here, and I’m actually alive.
And I guess that’s it: I’m actually alive. Finally.
And yes, it took so long. And in the space of time it took me to finally wake up from the bad dream that has been my existence, I could have learned to fly a plane, or solved world hunger, or discovered a new solar system. I could have healed the lame, or kissed the unlovable, or mastered some difficult martial art that only the chosen know.
But really, I guess it is wonderful and important for one person to come fully into their life. And so I must decide to agree that time is not my enemy, and finally set aside my pocket watch.