Category Archives: stubborn joy
today i read a good – but difficult – book. and i cried. and cried more. and wondered why the world is the way it is. why life is like this. why do we have to have death and loss, sorrow and anguish? but even while wondering this, i knew that i wouldn’t trade my sorrows. all of my hurts and pains have made me stronger, or more compassionate, more diligent, or more wise. all of my losses have made me grateful for what i do have, and hopeful that i can appreciate the beauty in life while it is in front of me, instead of worrying about what MIGHT happen, or focusing on the hardships.
and hopefully, as i focus more on the good than the bad, more of the good will come to me, and remind me of the wonder of life, in all its challenges.
still, i wish i could write some decent poetry when i’m NOT depressed
there are some days that seem fairly innocuous at the onset. it’s an average, less than remarkable day where you head off to work and the weather is neither bright and brilliant, nor depressingly offensive to the nervous system. it seems the day will bring nothing more than another chance to punch your time card and burn your dinner when you finally get home.
yesterday started off that way. it promised nothing spectacular in the beginning. in fact, i was grumpy, tired and a little on the testy side. people have been aggressive lately at work, pushing their way to the front of the line, raising their voice thinking they can intimidate me into doing something i can’t legally do for them. or just being assholes. and i’m tired of it. i’m tired of the attitude and the rudeness and the overall sense that they deserve something more than everyone else, or special consideration.
so i decided ‘screw you’. there are so many takers in life, and i am a giver. but there are very few people who think to give to me. and yesterday i’d had it, and just turned off my giving machine.
i continued to be as polite as i could be. i continued to offer efficient service. i just pulled back from these energy-hungry leeches and sort of set up a mental perameter. but this kind of sucked.
after about two hours of my new-and-improved-less-than-vibrant energy field, i was miserable. my energy hadn’t increased. my concentration wasn’t any more alert. and my day wasn’t any closer to being over. yes, there are tons of people that are takers. yes i am a giver to a fault, and this can make for exhausting circumstances. but after this little “shutting down” experiment, i know now: i much prefer being engaged, and shiny, and sparkly…even if it means some people will try to take my energy. or take my extra happiness. or ride the wave of my bubbly personality. i know that some people have recognized that i can make them feel good, and instead of doing the work for themselves, they want to sit near me, or call me, or basically try to absorb this happy energy. because they are too miserable or lazy to generate their own contentment juice.
and i have to learn to cut these people off. i can’t help these slothful suckers, and i’m not obligated to. my life is more full when i commit myself to joy and exuberance, so that is what i must do; the rest of the world will just have to be jealous of me.