Category Archives: MPD
if i were to talk about my killing
what would i say?
what could i tell that would
alleviate the pain of
what song would set me free
and find me flying
what tricky story would wind
its legs around you
and run me far from
the smoking clutches of hell?
if i told you about
the day i was killed
and the way i was killed
truth would leak from this
crafted monastery of deception
and the whole of me
and be lost on the
dead. by denelle hobbs
*note* this is NOT the poem i mentioned in a recent blogpost “This girl might have been lost…” that poem i am still looking for, but found this one today so thought i’d put this up instead
This post is going to go in Mexico’s page, in the Girls section after it appears here.
*Disclaimer* Feel free – anyone who doesn’t understand what the hell I’m doing – to un-follow this blog. It’s potentially going to be weirder than a SI.FI movie (though notably, maybe not as weird as Sharknado; c’mon).
The following posting here is a journal entry from 2009. I have been working on a memoir for some years now, and am plugging away at finishing that off. But have also another book I started working on in 2009, and this entry came up after doing some work for that book.
Generally speaking – at least in my case – having Multiple Personality Disorder … dealing with these aspects of myself just constantly brings up trauma I have been trying to avoid looking at for my entire life. Please bear with annoying repetitive stories.
The people listed in the journal entry are several of my “alters” or other personalities/sides that I have been discovering. Some have given themselves names back when I was a little bitty thing, some I have dolled out a name or position to for want of something else to call them. Several of the names here were found in a coloring book, each alternate person claiming a piece of work by signing their name in cornflower blue or Indian red. Anyway…this is the beginning of Mexico’s story…
i’ve started writing “(potential title of memoir style book here)”.
it smells like shit.
it smells like cat shit outside my window, or else one of my cat’s just shat.
now i have a headache, and my jaw aches, and i had to take 3 ginger chews because of my stomache.
i know i need to look at this stuff. i’m trying. but people get fucking NERVOUS!
today i did a picture project.
i looked through a bunch of old pictures and developed piles that i thought looked like different me’s.
a pile of little ‘tiger’s
a pile of denny’s ( i think it was denny, she’s so cute and jodie foster)
there was nellie bly,
and nervous nellie
and cindy or christy who is really a precious little thing
and the eraser.
my sister even recognized the eraser. i told her it was her, and when she saw the last picture (of the group) she said “yep”.
she could tell that pictures of denny were different than pictures of the other girls, not just because the hair was different, but other things. she totally saw it.
nervous nellie seems to be the only one with a big flat spot on her forehead. i guess i must have wrote the ‘shooting myself’ poem about her. (i’ll try to remember to put this poem up later…)
several pictures that i found i cannot find names for.
and there are names still that i haven’t determined a face for.
scritchy. little bird. sandi.
but most disturbing of all is a singular picture of a girl i didn’t recognize. all of these pictures i’ve seen a million times. i’ve seen them in photo albums while i was growing up, or at gramma’s or uncle john’s, and at my own house once they’d been passed on to me.
so i’ve seen this picture before.
but i don’t know the girl.
everyone else i recognized.
oh i didn’t necessarily know the name of the person, but i recognized the eyes, or the expression, or something about the way the person stood, and i could say – even if i didn’t know the name – here, this picture goes with all of these other pictures of that girl.
there are some pictures that are of no one. there is just no one there, and so it is a generic body or a generic girl that is there. tobie said maybe that is after the eraser has come through. so that might be. or maybe the downloader is a separate person than the eraser, and those are pictures of the downloader. i don’t know.
i just know that this one picture of this one girl sort of shocked me. everyone else rang out in my ‘self’ as a me, something familiar, even if old and lost. something recognizable.
this girl wasn’t recognized.
this girl might have been lost.
perhaps she has disappeared.
perhaps she is the poster girl for all the times i’ve been missing: in pictures at school, when yearbooks get signed, when parts of my life mysteriously go missing. maybe she is one of those milk bottle children who go away and are never seen again.
i don’t know who she is.
but she hurt my heart today.
OK, for those of you who have been reading this blog for any amount of time, you know a few things about it and me:
1. I have Multiple Personality Disorder
2. I have been saying I would post up pictures and details about this interesting condition for a while now
3. I haven’t done that yet.
Well, I moved in May, and since the move I have not been able to find the cord to my scanner that I need to upload pictures. So I’m going to have to either be creative and come up with something different for that, or really comb the boxes (or stores) for what I need. In the meantime, I’m creating a new page called “The Girls”, where I will be keeping information about this conglomeration of quacks known as me. In “The Girls” I will be posting said pictures and information about the various different personalities I deal with and walk among.
*disclosure* There are some psychiatrists who do not believe in Multiple Personality Disorder as a diagnosis. I’m not sure how many this totals up to, but there it is. It IS a weird situation; because what you have on the outside is someone you see at work everyday (or church, or home) who looks like the person you know. But on their end, they might not be the same person you dealt with yesterday. Or even an hour ago.
I myself have gone upstairs to use the bathroom, come back downstairs and been completely dumbfounded by a conversation my sister is having with me. “I don’t have any farking idea what you are talking about”, is my response. But in her reality, we just had a forty-five minute talk about something, and a short pee in the middle shouldn’t normally cause someone to forget the previous discussion of almost an hour. Unless that body that came down the stairs is now holding a different personality.
See? It’s weird. It’s like a SciFi movie. It’s like the body snatchers have taken the person away and replaced it with this OTHER thing.
And that’s true! That’s kind of what happens. For whatever reason, the person that has this disorder will at times become frightened, feel threatened, or have a memory that causes the current personality to “make way” for a new or existing personality to step forward and be in control. It’s very similar to “Chinese Fire-Drill” driving. You are all still in the car together, but at some point you stop the car and change places.
More on this in a later post; this much to say, it’s fine if it is weird, crazy or bizarre sounding to you. It is to me too, and I live with it. And for those doctors that don’t believe in the condition; well, they have that show “Wife Swap”…you could always try a swap and live with someone who “claims” to have the disorder and see what it’s like for a while.
OK, so keep you posted on the coming additions, and the page will be live just EMPTY for now! 😦
except for this 😀
i may have just resolved an ongoing dilemma i have struggled with for years.!.
i don’t want to call myself a perfectionist. my house looks like a tornado touched down, or a collectibles paradise, depending on your perspective. i screw up at work all the time, forgetting things i should remember, making messes here and there, and hearing selective bits of instruction rather than the whole. seems to me a perfectionist would be doing all these things, well… perfectly!
but like a perfectionist, i am very hard on myself. i expect great things from me, and on a sort of unrealistic scale. not that i should find the cure for cancer, because i’m not in the medical field; or that i should discover the fix-it-all for global warming, for same reason. i just always have this nagging, overhead feeling that i am responsible for … stuff. that the world is waiting for me to do something amazing, and if i fail to live my day properly, the fragile balance of the universe will be thrown off balance and must just kill not only mankind, but God as well!
but since i’ve never really figured out what my “calling” is, or what i’m “supposed” to be doing with my life, i have the constant pressure of rescuing everything around me, and the ever-present feeling of impending doom and failure.
some people might say i have a Messianic complex. or point out that my alcoholic father and whack-a-doo upbringing clearly make me just an “average” stereotypical kid from self-destructive, narcissistic parents.
true, that. but hopefully, maybe, i have come up with a miraculously easy mantra for myself, that is both ridiculously obvious, and impossibly profound.
this hard and long winter i have been lazy and enjoying my couch more than my workout videos. oops! but today i was actually engaged in my yoga practice! now, having become a flesh bag of mashed potato instead of muscle, my yoga experience this morning was nothing like it could be, or is normally when i am consistent. and normally i would chide myself for this, and yell a bit about how un-fit my thighs are, or how i can’t believe i don’t work out more consistently, or what a blah blah blah blah blah. you know, just little reminders that i still haven’t saved the world or managed to change the oil in my car.
but i sort of out of nowhere said to myself: “this was a good workout for who i am today”.
now this may not sound earth shattering to you, although it is a nice warm, fuzzy kind of bullshit sounding new age type of thing you can throw around when you feel like crap but really want to pretend you are enlightened.
but for me – someone with multiple personalities – this is the greatest thing to come out of my brain since that last really cool dream i had! because honestly, i never know what each day will bring…
for someone like…NOT me, it might be different. you might have a goal, like going back to school, or running a 5K, or whatever, and meeting that goal can be tough. kids to feed, bosses to please, classes or schedules or house cleaning…tons of stuff shoves its importance into your face and it takes a strong will to reach and complete a goal set for oneself.
for me, it’s kind of an amusement park, or a crime scene. because i have more than one distinctive and developed personality, i have different interests. and i might really really really want to work on a book i’m writing, but if i wake up a little fella – well i might just have to play video games all day instead. or i might wake up a grumpy one, and then i want to be physical, or active, or just watch Dexter all day. or i might just turn into someone who can’t spell or think very well because she doesn’t have the same language skill set that my writer mind has.
goal accomplishing becomes very tricky for me, and i walk around feeling like i haven’t done much of anything ever, because every one of my personalities feels stunted or gypped out of some really rewarding END of the task.
but at least this mantra addresses that; i can just acknowledge that for THIS day, for THIS me, i have done well.
and then maybe tomorrow i can save the world…
i’m in one of my people today.
having DID is quite an interesting life. whether you know you have it or not.
today i believe i’m functioning in a personality that i’ve had since i was a wee thing. although whichever personality i use to write is conflicting with her right now, because the personality on my face doesn’t use quippy writing style.
i call her Rocky.
one day i’d like to make a book about these interesting people inside me. for now this blog will suffice. i finally bought myself a printer/copier/scanner, and will soon begin the interesting project of scanning old pictures of me onto my blog.
may not sound all that thrilling to anyone, but as they say, a picture is worth a thousand words.
after my uncle died i had a massive influx of new pictures in my life. he was an amateur photographer, basically having a decent talent that he used mainly as a hobby. i have started a number of blogs about this interesting person with his interesting hobby, but i don’t think i’ve ever put them up.
because they are too difficult.
when i got these pictures it freaked my shit out, so to speak. because some of the pictures reveal more to myself than i want to know.
but these pictures also document my life as a multiple. like i said…i plan on making a book of this, because i am not aware of any other book where you can SEE the different personalities right from the lens’ point of view. and there they are…several of me in one shoot, popping out from behind the same set of eyes, but clearly very different.
anyway, i’m one of these people today. one of these hidden little me’s that people forget are there. that I forget are there. my face is different. i am usually wide eyed and expressive, and today i’m like Botox face, all flat forehead, emotionless eyebrows, facial muscles taking a bit of a coffee break. and my brain isn’t over multi-tasking, which it usually is. i’m kind of one track right now. i’m kind of distant and watching and uninvolved. but i can’t trace this person’s thoughts as well as i can others.
wonder how this day shall pan out…
this week has been kind of sketchy for me. a couple of different times at work i had to pretend like i wasn’t crazy. an incident occurred where another person’s sanity – or more accurately, INsanity – was exposed and people were talking about it. about HER. a woman alone, by herself, talking in two distinctive voices. this seemed to rattle the mental cages of several people around me, which i guess is pretty understandable. most people don’t have multiple voices that they use interchangeably.
but i can relate. that woman probably (surely) had multiple personalities, as do i. and the people that were freaking out about the whole situation work with me every day. if they knew I had multiple personalities, is this how they would behave? make fun of me? laugh about my oddness? run around and tell everyone else at work that i was crazy?
i kind of think the truth of the matter is that most people don’t know a person with MPD. or they don’t KNOW that they know someone. i guess it’s fairly rare. or at least, maybe lots of people have it but they don’t know it cause they can’t afford treatment. a lot of therapists aren’t trained specifically for this area of mental health, and finding a good shrink/therapist is hard for us MPD’ers to do. it’s not like trying to find a good dentist; there just aren’t that many people out there who have treated Multiples, let alone specialize in this area. and then there is the cost issue. so if you don’t have awesome Canadian medical insurance, you may not be able to afford to be told you are a nutball.
anyway, with people kind of making fun of this “crazy” throughout the week, it was hard on me. i felt shame. embarrassment. i felt fearful. i was jittery and switchy and had a hard time controlling my body. i wanted to run away and hide. because it isn’t easy being a Multiple, and it isn’t socially acceptable.
i’m not socially acceptable.
and that sucks. because those of us that have this condition have it because once upon a time, we were scared shitless and couldn’t do anything about whatever we were scared of. so we ran away to another part of our minds and created different worlds, people, languages and memories.
we aren’t scary monsters that need to be locked away in a dungeon.
we aren’t contagious and about to spread our ill on mankind.
we aren’t wicked cast offs from the fiery pit of hell spawned by Satan as a curse on the head of mortal man.
we’re just…many. many of us in one body. we’re just people. and little. and scared.
so don’t be mean to us. ok?
but … well, clearly i’m not. i woke up and started fiddling on the computer for quite some time before i realized i had the window open and my box fan going in there. which isn’t how i went to sleep. not a big deal; i’m sure people do this kind of thing all the time – adjust things in the middle of the night. but i always find it humorous because i don’t know if it’s just something i did, or one of my “others”. i’ve woken many times (is woken a word?) to find myself upside down in bed, in the living room on the couch, or in a completely different get up (or none at all)
this is all good and well, cause it doesn’t really matter to me. i just hope this doesn’t ever happen to me if i’m on a group outing, like an impromptu sleepover after a good party at a friend’s; ’cause waking up in someone’s house naked, when you didn’t mean to be…that can get complicated!
today is an Egyptian Day.
according to Nigel Pennick’s research, today (June 22) is a somewhat unlucky day. don’t worry, he lists a good many of them in his book, so it’s not a SPECIAL unlucky day, just a regular one.
but i started off today feeling rather wonky. out of body. swirly. my sister said i needed to go hold a stone, so i climbed the stairs, sat on my bed, and held a large crystal rock i was given. i had visions. and journeys. and hunger pains, so i went down and ate some Cheerios. but i did feel better.
then i went to work. now, this is what Nigel is saying in his book: if you can at all, don’t do that. don’t go to work on an Egyptian Day. or, you know, win the LOTTO the day before so you don’t have to. but i didn’t. win the LOTTO that is, so i DID have to go in to work. and while i was there the computer’s crashed so that customers couldn’t help themselves and had to wait in line for us, and we had to do everything old school style: sans online software. whew. not ideal.
but then, to add more excitement to the picture, i rolled over the top of my friend’s foot with the chair and potentially broke her toe. to this she exclaimed in true French fashion. so i ran to get ice. but of course, there was no quick-break-ice-pack in the medic box, so i had to go up 4 flights. and that doesn’t sound bad, except that the speed of our elevator is sort of like my Grandma when she was leaving church with her walker that she called “Ethel”…slow . but finally i did get to the floor i needed, and still no ice bags. so then i had to crack open ice from the ice trays and fill a baggie (which of course i couldn’t find in the first four drawers).
but finally – friend in ice and computers coming back from hibernation – i saw a cute patron and all seemed like it might right itself. but wait! the day is still not over! the final ‘guest’ of the day runs in to pick up something and gets into a lengthy conversation with a co-worker, while the other workers are breathing like dragons down my neck and security is turning all the lights off. and by now i’ve been twitchy for several hours (feeling the need to shift personalities) and i’m hungry and dreaming of liquid beverages you can’t get in a vending machine.
which i consumed upon coming home.
(after i drove around for 1/2 an hour trying to get a pizza, getting cash, avoiding people going to a baseball game, avoiding the three cop cars hanging around the middle of the street and the two on the corner whose occupants were wrestling a drug addict on the ground spouting blood from his face)
so yeah, next time just stay home.
you can spot my work schedule by my blog. long week: just a pictue. short week: three blogs in one day. by the way, blog is such a weird word.
i haven’t written about my “condition” lately. mostly because i have trained myself to walk around pretending like i don’t have it; like there is nothing wrong with me. but sometimes…well i can’t always avoid the truth.
on Wednesday of last week, i came into work in a different personality. apparently. because EVERYONE commented on how weird i was that day, and one of my co-workers/friends said “i don’t think denelle is with us today”. i’m not sure if she was talking about the Multiplicity situation, or if she just thought i was “on Pluto” which is what one of my other co-workers said.
i sort of feel like i have MPD-Lite. like a lite beer instead of the real thing. i’m not sure if that is an accurate summation, or a real possibility. maybe i just don’t want to think i’m as crazy as i am. i put up pictures on my blog because people seem to respond more strongly to my photos than to my written blogs, and somewhere in a corner of my mind, someone sighs from relief, thinking that if we just keep people happy we won’t have to talk about that “weird stuff”.
but it is weird. Wednesday i was in whatever personality i was in, and i didn’t know i was any different than normal. i’ve never played an RPG game or Magic the Gathering or anything like that, but i think i can liken my situation (multiple personalities) with Magic: people – like cards – are on reserve for certain situations. i more frequently use my WORKER card, because it is an appropriate face to show the general public. but i have all these other guys in my deck, just waiting for the right circumstance to pop in the game: a laughing little silly girl; a cynical, untrusting old soul; a prankster type; a klutzorama. all of them are waiting for their moment to come back, so they can hop around and eat ice cream, or stick their tongue out at someone.
and they don’t necessarily know that they haven’t been out in a while. some of my personalities are very aware of time, others, my lifeline. others are … well, pretty clueless and scared. and sometimes these people pop out on accident, which is maybe what happened on Wednesday, i don’t know. but then i had someone asking me if i was OK all night, is there some way they can help.
i’m like: Jesus, i’m not bleeding out of my eyes! i’m just crazy! and how are you going to help; have you got a personality organizer handy?
well, anyway, i guess all this came on because i just put up an old poem that uses the word “skritchy”, and that is what i call one of my personalities.
but skritchy is a story for another day….
today has been …. interesting. right now the wind outside is fierce and howly, the sky dark and foreboding, and the trees are shaking so much they look like villains in a horror movie. but it’s been a lovely, melancholy rainy kind of day.
it didn’t really start out that way at first. i had a trigger this morning.
usually a trigger that makes me switch personalities, or go into a post traumatic type of mindset is fairly upsetting; a violent scene in a movie, or a killer with an axe is a sure bet; loud, thumpy music that invades my home via the neighbor’s car; smells i can’t avoid. all these things can trigger me and send me into a panic, or switch me right out of my current personality and into something/someone i’m not prepared for.
today, however, it was a cartoon! just lounging around the house today as my sister got ready for work, and she had on old cartoons. i love the Flintstones, so i was surprised when i became anxious while watching an episode, and so distressed i had to turn the channel. then i was just flipping out for a while. something about this particular episode triggered me – one of me anyway – and it took some fresh air, a little rain, and Jimmy John’s to make things right in my world again.
damn dangerous cartoons!