Category Archives: crabby panties
i just finished watching HBO’s “Captivated: The Trials of Pamela Smart” and my heart is heavy.
the film premiered in January at the Sundance Film Festival, and makes an amazingly poignant statement about our lives today; what the hell is the media doing to our brains?
OK that probably isn’t actually THEIR statement…but as you watch the documentary, it is amazingly clear that TRUTH is not really easily definable or discovered once the media decides the verdict of things ahead of time.
i found this documentary fascinating, and disheartening at the same time. i saw a documentary not long ago about the woman who spilled coffee on her lap at a drive through McDonald’s and sued for damages. i actually remember that situation, and how frustrated everyone was about the situation ~ what world are we living in when people can’t own up to their own mistakes? but the reality was quite different than people made it out to be. and once celebrities and comedians got their routine into the coffee bit, all of America had made a decision on what happened with the coffee and the lap; including me. “Own up to your own mistakes, people” i might have shouted. “we shouldn’t be a sue-happy culture!”
we shouldn’t be a lot of things that we are. one thing i’m pretty certain that we as people will never really get to is smart. we are too quick to judge when there is no information available to judge with. we are gullible and hopeful and biased. we have long records of wrongs done to us, and not a long enough list of goods we have done for others.
i feel flustered today; because it doesn’t really seem like anything ever changes. there is just a big bunch of good, bad and ugly. so what is my two cents worth in the long run? and what kind of stupid question is that anyway, ’cause nobody even uses cents anymore! cents are so worthless you can’t even find the symbol on a modern day computer or device!
* sigh *
so, there’s nothing left for me to do, but just keep on fighting. it doesn’t really feel like it is doing anything. but i can’t just roll over and give up. i may not be able to conquer the darkness of stupidity, ignorance, and cruelty; but i can at least try to spread the healing blanket of acceptance, love, and kindness.
beyond that much, i will just have to have a decent margarita or a really big scoop of ice cream.
ok, just a warning to anyone who has read previous posts on this blog, and might be expecting something positive, uplifting, or inspiring, because this blog does have happiness in the title there. well, warning: this is a rant! stop now if you fear you may be brought to your knees by my candid observations…
the new giant headphone phase is sort of causing me angst.
i love that people are into their music. i love that it is contained, and piping through their headphones to only THEIR ears, causing them to be deaf and not me, as opposed to the loud, bumping cars that drive by and rattle my windows and make me feel nauseous, as though i’ve just flown MACH 5 down the airstrip. so yay to the very cool headphones for lowering my impulse to murder my fellow man!
that said, now that everyone in the area has these headphones on, i feel like i’m in a continual “American Idol: the Worst of the Worst” episode. with both ears receiving full volume tunage, one cannot fully hear the degree to which one is completely off key. all these people walking around singing at the top of their lungs sound like drowning cats! today – and what prompted this rant – i wasn’t sure if the person walking down the street was singing, yelling at her honey on the phone, or actually on fire and trying to draw attention to that fact. actually i’m not even sure it was a woman since i didn’t actually see this singer/drowner with my own eyes.
so … wow … kudos to whoever invents the future headphones that allow you to hear your awesome music but also hear yourself and adjust your tonage appropriately, or synthesize yourself like Cher. now THAT would be an awesome product!
today i’m feeling worthless.
i’m feeling a fool.
i fall in love for no reason, with people that can’t be loved by me. i hope for impossible things and believe in a mish.mash of curios. i spend my time on things that i wish really mattered and impacted people, but in reality probably just comfort my anxious soul that feels like it’s wasted its life on stupid things like paying bills, fixing vehicles and dealing with crazy people at work.
i’m feeling broken, and tired, and as though i have finally recognized that i’m only a speck in an ocean of life, so now i have to ask myself if what i do or think or feel really even matters.
but really, when it come right down to it, i just need another cup of coffee.
any of you normal people that follow this blog, you might not appreciate today’s snippet.
but for all you roller derby girls, ex-junkies and psych ward patients, well i think you’ll get what i’m sayin’ here.
it’s been a long week already. i have a schedule at work that goes: Long Week, Short Week, Medium Week, then starts over again. this is the long one i’ve just finished, and ended it last night with an altercation. so today i’m lounging around in my pajamas (yoga pants, whatever) and just breathing, you know?
suddenly there is this harsh pounding on my door, and i’m like CRAP! WHAT?! I’M ABOUT TO WATCH SOME TWILIGHT ZONES, LEMME ALONE!
but i answer the door. the mailman (and you’ll hear more about him another time) was actually concerned that someone in the house might be hurt. we’ve let our mail pile up all week because of my schedule and my sister’s, who is pulling double shifts. and most of it is catalogues and junk mail adds, so who’s going to run out at midnight to worry about cleaning out the box? not me!
but he had noticed we hadn’t picked it up, and he was like “everything OK here?” which is soooo sweet! and i brushed him off, “oh yeah, it’s fine, sorry!!”
i pull all the mail out and smile at him. “sorry!”
then later i happen to look in the mirror and see
wonky hair in all directions, ex mascara smeared all over my face and basic overall grumpiness. plus i’m in my kookoo pants and a sleeveless comic book hero tee shirt.
yep; nothing wrong with anybody here!
so i guess i want to share something that i’ve been going through. and maybe there are people out there who won’t understand what i’m saying, or haven’t been through what i’m going through. but i just feel like i really need to talk about this…
see, i still have my heater on. now you people in Florida and Hawaii and probably Tahiti, you don’t understand this situation, but i’ll try to explain it at its base. IT’S STILL FRAKIN’ COLD IN MICHIGAN!!! what the hoop? it’s SPRING!!! it’s APRIL!!! there are supposed to be rain showers making a nice batch of flowers ready for show, and i have to put on my gloves when i drive home from work!!!!
bleh. i wonder if Michigan has a higher percentage of alcoholics than the rest of the US? cause whiskey does wonders for warming you up, but guess what? SO WOULD THE SUN!
Today has been a bust so far.
i woke up with the roosters because i have a mess in my mouth. my tooth has convinced itself that its having a mental breakdown, so i drove out to a clinic this morning, where you can sort of sit around and HOPE that someone else calls to cancel their appointment. of course, that didn’t happen, AND i forgot some paperwork i needed, and on the way home from this non-appointment i drove my car into a curb. CURBY!!
then had to drop off some items at the library drop box – which almost ate my arm off – and of course i had them – WHERE do you think? in the back seat. so i’m out of my seat belt, emergency brake on since i’m driving stick, and leaning over backwards to get these bloody books, almost pop my spine out, almost have my hand removed, then drive off with my brake still on!
now to call a mysterious company that is phoning me at work, at the wrong number, and i don’t know what it’s about. i go to the website info they left, which looks shady as all get out, and when i call the woman wants my social security number right over the phone. hmmmm…so after i try to get some information from her she says – very authoritatively, mind you – well i told you i’m Christy from Such-and-Such. oh good! that’s MUCH better, here is my life savings along with the keys to my home, car, and the safety deposit box. come on over any time! and by the way, why don’t you send some nice black flowers to my ex-boyfriend in my name on my credit card, while you are sending me off to the poor house.
oh wait, i already seem to live there!
ugh. this day should have been spent in bed.
I think the tissue companies created allergies. i’m pretty sure back in the victorian ages there weren’t allergies. if something upset your sinuses or tickled your throat, i’m fairly certain it went straight to Tuberculosis or the Bubonic Plague. none of this pussy-footing around with runny noses and scratchy throats and voices that sound like you are running a late night love-line talk radio program. tickle, scratch, nose turns black and falls off; that’s how it used to be.
of course now that we have ’tissue’ companies, and all those fancy fun boxes of fluffy white, well it seems like everything around can make you sick; dogs, cats, horses, dust, fake Scotch tape that never works as good as the real stuff. grrrrr…
i guess i could just blame it on winter. or better yet, that stupid groundhog who never does what he is told.
running late on my way to work today i encountered a stupid person, slowly ambling across the street, both jaywalking AND crossing in the middle of the block. (i think. i could just be exaggerating. you never know)
i am, in point of fact, running late. and it’s the end of the world tomorrow. so it’s not like anyone is going to be able to hunt me down and lock me up for manslaughter.
if you are so stupid as to walk casually in front of a crazy, red-headed, female driver who is late for work and hasn’t had enough caffeine…good luck to you!
or Why I Must Never Be Angry
There are several emotional states that are universally known to man, regardless of race, religion, education or overdue fines from the library; Fear and Anger are just two of them. But today proves to me why I have a longstanding Fear of becoming Angry.
I started off this morning in a testy sort of way. I had a weird dream last night, that involved a lot of running from people, hiding, trying to avoid being initiated into the sex-slave-trade business, and breaking through windows to escape from crazy men. Clearly, waking up I was a little off my center, and slightly touchy all morning. When I got to work I was sort of in a panic state, with my heart beating hard, my breathing exaggerated and difficult, and sort of shaky. Not just because of the dream, but because I actually HAVE done a lot of running, hiding, and avoiding in my life, and be reminded in my sleep is not a ton of fun.
I told my co-worker I was grumpy. She nonchalantly smiled at me and said, “OK”. Whew. One down, 700 more to go. Cause it being a Saturday, I was fairly likely to encounter that approximate number of people in the next six hours. Right away my foul mood seemed to impact my environment. My other co-workers said it had been fairly slow all morning, however as soon as I clocked in things starting going haywire. Lines of people came out of nowhere, strange requests popped up having to do with people losing their pants, and suddenly I was re-reminded that it was in the Full Moon bracket (two days either side of the full, and the full, and sometimes I throw in a few extra days when lingering effects still persist). Then one of our computers froze.
“This is your doing”, was sort of the message I got from my boss. I couldn’t deny it, really. I have been known to set car alarms off just from walking by. I stood next to a computer one day minding my own business, and it hopped off it’s ledge and started smoking when it hit the countertop. When I’m in a good mood things can go really smoothly; all the lights suddenly turn green when I’m driving along the road; my sports teams win as long as I cheer them on. Of course, if I have to go to the bathroom they will suddenly throw an interception, but when my mood is high, I seem to be able to impact things around me. And the reverse is true as well.
Which is why I tried very hard to never be angry. People will tell me that anger is just an emotion, and it doesn’t matter if I’m angry, because everyone is at some point. But they haven’t seen the things that happen when I’m in a bad mood;
like things breaking for no reason all around me, or clocks and computers seizing up, or … well, today, when all hell breaks loose as soon as I come to work. So yeah, my big Fear is my Anger; I’m kind of afraid of being some sort of a Stephen King novel,
or horror movie character. I’m like, “don’t make me angry…you wouldn’t like me when i’m angry”