a darker kind of lemonade

i haven’t been much on my Accidental Happiness blog for quite some time.  i don’t want to make myself out to be a liar, you know.  it’s a lot to live up to; the title.  i could see it as a mission statement of my life, as though i’ve commissioned myself to go forth and capture all the unexpected good things that are out there glimmering hope into the dark and dreary world, and sit and ponder them over a good cup of coffee and share them with all of mankind.

and that’s a good thing.  and i do that!  i find little awesome things that bring me sudden joy, that other people walk right by and fail to notice.  i share and post when i come across all those things on the internet that make you cry your eyes out; stories of strangers helping out homeless vets, and children saving puppies from destruction.  but lately my “spontaneous happiness” and my “grim reality” have been duking it out in the ring, and i’m very uncertain who’s going to get the KO.

my friend at work (hey you!) likes to say this before she goes in: “Well folks, time to go make doughnuts”.  i’m not sure where that came from or why she started saying it – cuz she doesn’t make doughnuts for a living.  but that’s how i feel i’ve been living forever:  going in circles, trying to sugar coat everything.  something difficult happens, and i find the sliver lining, the chance to grow in the situation.  someone blows up in my face, and i try to calm them down and steer them to a calmer level, make them feel they’ve been heard, understood, and when they apologize i just say, hey we all have bad days.  the whole “when someone hands me lemons, i make lemonade” rule.  it seems like i’ve been that way forever.

but the reality is this: i’m a darker brew than just that.  i might even be a Palmer.  you know, half lemonade half tea.  good thing he came up with that whole flavor marriage, and how is it possible no one thought of that before?  or did he just market it first?

anyway, not my point.  the point is, life is kind of a bad dance class.  it’s all two steps forward, three steps back, a stiletto on  the instep and an emergency ride to hospital.

something out there – Hollywood, Sweet Valley High, or an angry, violent, alcoholic parent – has convinced me that there is an eventual happy ending to the story.  that if i am good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, or positive enough, life will right itself and give me all my dreams tied up in a pretty bow.  but there are ants on every picnic, and thorns on every rose, and believe it or not, i’ve actually cut my fingers on ribbon before, so even my pretty dreams might eventually injure me.

my life right now is full of trying to merge the side of me that seeks love, happiness, fulfillment and joy with the side of me that is stark reality, depressive, prone to cutting and emotionally unstable.

so my accidental happiness blog may seem more like a dark hole for an indiscernible amount of time…but there is much beauty and worth in the pits of man, and i intend to find it.

look out Darth Vadar; i’m coming to the dark side.

skelly 1

 

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About denelle

writer. artist. ponderer.

Posted on July 8, 2014, in mess of life, the dark side and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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