young, stupid and beautiful

Beauty advice for the ingénue:

1. never pluck your eyebrows when you are inebriated or stoned.  at best this results in the confusing “Whoopi Goldberg” look.  at worst, the result is distinctly “Rocky Balboa” with bloody eye sockets and scarred facial features.  not attractive.  could be highly dangerous.
2. never color your hair while talking on the cell phone.  this is not only stupidly annoying, but could result in uneven patches of color and dropped calls.  put the stupid person on speakerphone, or just wait until you have ruined your hair, then call them crying.
3. eyeliner is for your eyelids.  i know that’s not what the name implies, but it’s for the lids of your eyes, not your actual eyeball.  stick to the skin tissue.
4. if you are going to do your makeup in such a way that you look like a plastic blow-up sex Barbie, at least try to lower your voice by an octave.  this will make it seem as though you are a trained sex worker, and not simply a stupid air headed bimbo. 
5. powdering your nose can mean several things.  there is, of course, the actual powder that you apply to your nose, and other facial features.  however, this phrase can also be used to indicate that you have to use the ladies’ room, or ‘make a tinkle’.  be careful though; ‘powdering your nose’ may also be code for an unusual sex position, so use with caution and in the company of those you trust.

 

more tips to come after i consult the experts…