from the outside looking in…
i’m in the cafe today. just sitting here thinking, remembering, pondering. having to pee.
i guess right now in my life i’m trying to understand how the world works.
i’m not really used to people seeing me. seeing the real me. recently – well, in the past six or eight months, i’ve reconnected with some old friends out of my past. good old Facebook. i’ve always been the kind of person that sort of cuts and runs. i’m friends with someone for a while, and then i move on.
not because i don’t like people. which is sometimes true of me.
not because i don’t want to be close to people. which is also sometimes true of me.
but because i’ve always assumed i was too much for people. for everyone. for someone.
i was too much for my mother growing up. too much for her to handle, or love in a way that felt love-ish. i was maybe too loud, or too emotional, or too colorful. maybe i needed too much, or felt too strongly about life.
so i’m sort of used to hovering out on the edge of the world, and looking in at things from a distant view. i sort of keep people at a distance, and love them, but don’t ever really let them see the real me. because i know what they’ll see…i know what they’ll discover. that they can’t handle me. that’s what has always been true, and what i’ve always believed.
until now. these old friends have cropped up in my life, and they seem to remember the real me. it seems they were in touch with this dark side of me i like to pretend no one notices. this dark child that likes to cut herself, or stay out in the city all night, or tempt the fates to keep her alive. this girl that has an attitude, and carries herself as though she were a weapon, and not a person. here i thought i was fooling everyone, i spent all this time trying to look like a normal person, but i guess my dark innards just oozed out anyway.
which is awesome. because these people still seem to want to be my friends. and now i’m kind of thinking, hey, maybe i don’t always have to be on the outside looking in. maybe i can actually just be me for a change, and maybe, just maybe there are people out there that can actually handle me. huh. that’s a novelty.